#30daysofme - #4

A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Hands down, that would be smoking.

Blech.

#30daysofme - #3

You thought I abandoned this challenge 2 days in, didn't you?

Fear not. I only took the weekend off. Fooled ya!

Day 3 is a picture of you and your friends.

My computer is currently dead - and of course I don't have an external harddrive. So I just lost all my pictures, files, etc, from the last 2 and a half years. It's heartbreaking, in a first world problem kind of way. Truly.

I had to steal this from Shawn's facebook - taken in 2006. I'm 19, Tat is 20, and Shawn is 21.

Mostly I'm struck by how young we look. We're BABIES!

There are absolutely no words how much these two people mean to me. When I think of how long we've been friends - of how much we've gone through - both collectively and as individuals, it's just mind boggling.

Statistics would tell you that we probably shouldn't still be friends. I know I'm not friends with 98% of the people I met while being a homeless crackhead. And that's probably for the best, ya know?

But these two are unshakeable. We've overcome the odds - you know that once you're addicted to drugs, you have 3 options? Clean, jail, and dead. Life is kind of bleak until you're clean.

But we did it. We were high-school drop-outs, homeless, addicted to drugs, you name it, we were it. And now? Tat is currently finishing her practical nursing diploma with plans to continue next fall for her Bachelor of Nursing. She's also looking into joining the Armed Forces under their ROTP. She has an 8 year old daughter, with whom she shares custody with her father.

Shawn just finished his diploma in social service worker last spring, and has plans to continue with his Bachelor of Social Work at Carleton next fall.

We all left home prematurely - Tat because she was placed in a group home at the age of 15, Shawn because his mom rejected the fact that he's gay, and of course you know my story.

It's been a really long road with its share of potholes on our respective journeys to where we are today, but so far we're making it. I couldn't be prouder to call them my friends. So much love.

#30daysofme - #2

Day 2 is apparently imploring me to share the meaning behind my blog name.

I really wish I could say my blog name means something particularly witty.

It doesn't, by the way.

I suck at coming up with names and titles. I see all these cleverly worded blog titles and feel intense jealousy that they have such a cool name. Especially the infertility blogs? My god, those are some very nicely named blogs. Me = jealous.

Think of this way - those blogs are dressed in clothes that are designed by Coco Chanel, Christian Dior, Giorgio Armani.

Mine gets Sally Ann cast-offs, and if it's been really good, it might get the odd Old Navy piece. On sale.

Basically, it goes like this. I love the look of the word Simplicity. And I strive to live my life as drama free as possible, especially after the last few years, where drama was a daily occurrence.

It used to be "Her Simplicity" but when I started getting serious with Keith, I found myself blogging about both of our lives; it wasn't just about me anymore. It really was about Our Simplicity as a couple - plus, to be frank, his ex was reading. I got squicked out, so I had to facilitate a name change.

So that's the story. Doesn't mean the name still doesn't suck though.

#30daysofme - #1

I've decided to take part in #30daysofme, so for the next 30 days you'll learn more than you ever really wanted to know about yours truly. If you're wondering who you need to go wag a finger at, you totally have Kelly to blame for this.

Day one is a recent picture of yourself, followed by the statement of 15 "interesting" (I can only hope interesting is a subjective term) facts about yourself. Let the nazel-gazing begin, shall we?

1. Recent Picture:

me, taken 3 weeks ago @ 1 month out.

2. Fifteen "interesting" (or not so interesting) facts about myself:

1. Country is the only commercial genre of music I can listen to without wanting to rip my ears off after twenty minutes.

2. I can type up to over 80 wpm at 98% accuracy. I sporadically practice this skill.

3. I feel really sick right now & it's making it hard to concentrate.

4. I start school tomorrow! It seems kind of silly because I only have one class on Thursdays & then I'm off Fridays, so really, I start on Monday.

5. Fall is my favourite season. I wish it lasted longer.

6. I've been living in Ontario for 10 years. I've never lived anywhere longer.

7. I don't have many close friends but the ones I do have are like my family.

8. I'm pretty self-absorbed. NO REALLY?

9. A lot of the time I don't talk about subjects on my blog because I realize my views might be unpopular and/or everyone is entitled to their own opinion so what does it matter?

10. I will say this, though: people who bash the meat industry & the farmers involved - with no actual knowledge (thinking they know everything there is to know because they read a fucking book, for example) - well, those people piss me off. A LOT.

11. I get angry when I think about how (some) Americans are completely ignorant of our culture/holidays/whatever. And NO, we are NOT "a laid-back version of the US". We are something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

12. That Terry Jones guy is nuts. Can we arrange for him to be shipped off to Iraq? Please? Like, tomorrow? Just grab him, fly him over there, then drop him off and walk away. Please please please.

13. Apparently I'm also pretty angry and vindictive. Wow.

14. I'm a traditionalist in the sense that I need a wedding band on my finger before having kids. I don't know why this is.

15. Since losing 55 pounds I can now fold my belly in half. It's cool and gross at the same time.

New

Taken 5 weeks ago, pre-surgery.

Taken Friday, with glasses.

Taken Friday, without

(this is important because I'm thinking of getting contacts

this year. What do you think? Better with, or without?)

New tattoo! On my right wrist.

Got it last night. Isn't it purty?

Thoughts on guilt & milestones times two

Can I just say this summer has lasted forever? I wrote my final exams in April. I will be more than happy to go back to school come September, if for nothing else than to have something other to talk about than my weight.

Speaking of the subject: My weight starts with a new number now (that happened Tuesday). And today, I hit fifty pounds lost (fifty one, actually).

Fifty one pounds in a month. Fifty one pounds in a month. That's insane.

When I see that number, yes it's a great deal of weight to lose. For most people. For me? It's just one quarter of what I have to lose. I feel like I don't deserve it, because it's pretty easy at this point. I feel no temptation for junk or sweets. I don't have to "struggle" with food choices or portion sizes, because my pouch determines that for me.

I don't know what exactly my point is, or if I have one, it's just - I guess I'm used to feeling guilty. Guilty over being fat. Guilty over not being able to make good food choices; guilty for having to struggle all the time. Now I feel guilty because I don't have to do that anymore. I've internalized the mantra that weight loss is hard.

And while I will probably say it is at various points in this journey - right now, I want to remember that it wasn't, not especially. And that it's okay for it not to be.

Why we have (girl)friends

Me: "I tried sausage for breakfast the other day (even though I'm not supposed to) and oh man, it did not go well."

"Oh really? How bad?"

"I didn't even want to go shopping afterwards, thats how bad I felt."

"oh my god thats AWFUL!!"

This just in!

Even though I haven't lost any pounds since last time,

MY SIZE 21 JEANS FIT!!!

Excuse me while I dance my (much smaller) bootay around !! YIPPEEEE!!!

Tough week

Last week was a really tough one.

The scale is not moving. At all. It hasn't moved at all this week - in fact, right now it is taunting me with a two pound gain.

One night I had gas pain so severe I actually googled the symptoms of a bowel obstruction to check. I eat things too fast sometimes, and I get sick - nausea and my new stomach hurts. I haven't actually puked anything up yet but dry heaves are just as bad. The no-drinking rule (which came into effect this week) is a killer. I am so tired of tuna, and wish I could just bite into a big, juicy hamburger with fresh tomato and lettuce.

After years of not listening to my body and paying attention to what and when I eat, I have to take my time eating and pause between bites for the signals that I've had enough. I have to keep an eye on the time so I know when to eat and when to start and stop drinking. A lot of times I can't even finish what I started eating, and it is definitely a learning curve to leave food behind, to be okay with that. I can't just say "one more bite" - because that one more bite will make me sick.

I'm scared that my scale isn't right, and when I go to the doctors office on Wednesday I won't have lost what I think I have. I have my 3 week appointment down in Utica on Friday, and again, am so scared that the scale won't reflect what my scale at home does. I'm scared I'll just sit at this weight forever, even though I know, rationally, that's that's not possible. I am so fearful I won't lose all the weight I want/need to.

I'm still wearing the same clothes as I did before surgery - I tried on my size 21 jeans the other day and still couldn't do them up. That was discouraging, and just feeds the whole I'm-never-going-to-lose-again cycle of fears and anxiety.

I knew this wasn't going to be easy. I just didn't think it would be this hard.

reward

I really want this :

Sterling Silver Two for Pearl Necklace
(from sweetberrybird)

I have promised myself I'll buy it once I hit 50 pounds lost - and right now I only have 17 pounds to go.

Have been unsuccessful in my attempts to convince Keith, but he doesn't really need to know about it, does he?

I thought not.

BREAKING NEWS!

I'm off lovenox!!! No more shots in the belly! YAY!!

I'd like to thank the guy who made it all possible :

Thanks Mumbles! You were stellar! Definitely recommend you if I ever need to shoot myself up in the future!

x0x, smooch smooch.

1 week post-op

It's been a week since surgery. That went by super fast, holy shiz.

I've decided to officially record my weight every Tuesday and every Saturday for now. Tuesday is obvious but Saturday is when I change my post-op diet for the next 7 weeks.

This week I'm on full liquids. Water, Crystal Light, sugar free jello & popsicles, low sodium broth, etc. Also supposed to have 4oz of protein shake 3 times a day. The next three weeks are all about my pouch and intestines healing, so I'm to take small sips and take my time with everything. I'm not hungry, and I'm not full.

I try to get in 2000mL of liquid a day. It's super hard when you have to sip everything, but I'm trying.

I'm also on omeprazole, fragmin/lovenox (only for the next 2 days!), and 2 multi-vitamins daily. I chop those in half because, frig, they're huge. Omeprazole is a stomach acid reducer and lovenox is a daily injection blood thinner that Keith gets to inject in my belly while cackling evilly. Not fun!

And, according to today's weight, I am down a total of 26 pounds. Six of that was lost pre-op, but the rest? Yeah, that was lost this week. Boo-ya, baby. Let the crazy commence!

friday5.1

Figures.

The one fridayfive I remember on time & decide to do has to do with food....but I'm not even remotely hungry so this doesn't bother me at all.

1. Besides plain, what’s your favorite way to eat an apple?
with cheese. or in a pie. apple pie is my favourite dessert ev-ar.

2. Besides plain, what’s your favorite way to eat berries?
in yoghurt.

3. Besides plain, what’s your favorite way to eat a banana?
baked in a banana chocolate chip pancake or bread.

4. Besides plain, what’s your favorite way to eat a peach?
don't eat peaches.

5. Besides plain, what’s your favorite way to eat a pineapple?
fruit salad. or on a pizza.

other side

Well it looks like my communications manager totally failed on the blog front! Sorry about that.

I'm obviously okay. Surgery was 10:15 on Tuesday, took an hour an a half, and was in my room by 3.

Spent the first day more asleep than awake, as per expected. Was in lots of pain as well.

I'm back to "normal" now - dry heaved once, blood pressure normal, farting like crazy, tolerating all meds and sipping appropriately (1oz every 15 min), up walking, blah blah. Haven't taken anything for gas or pain since very early yesterday morning. Haven't needed to, thank god.

I expect to be discharged around noon tomorrow, and we've decided to stay an extra day and go back home on Saturday. I can't wait - I miss my house, my bed, my babies.

Surgery day!

I'm writing this as a scheduled post.

I have to be at the hospital today at 6:15 and my surgery will be any time between then and 10:15. I'll spend an hour or two in recovery and then be moved up to my room.

I'll have Keith update you throughout the day by updating this post so check back often.

Love you bunches,
x0x Sarah.

Improvement

Remember when I asked about redecorating help?

And then proceeded to show you these horrifying pictures of what exactly I needed redecorated?

I'm happy to report that both those areas now look like this:

Of course, Keith doesn't know I've packed away his precious army figurines yet ....

Whew!

I am VERY happy to report that the 3410$ OSAP debt has officially been fully paid off!!

What a relief!

My dad gave me 500$, mom gave me $800 and then lent me the remaining $2,000 (and I covered 110$ myself).

I will be in debt for the next year paying my mom back, and this means I most definitely have to get a job over the school year (something I had been hoping to avoid to focus solely on school), but I'm okay with that.

Things could be a lot worse - I could have not been able to go at all. Eeek!

Why WLS?

I'm 23. I've been this way for at least 10 years; nearly half my life. And lately all I seem to be doing is getting bigger.

I can't excerise because I can't breathe properly anymore. Climbing a flight of stairs is next to impossible & the words "brisk walk" send shivers down my spine. I'm sick of starving myself to lose a pound, only to gain it back the next second. The will power isn't there. I slip because I can. I sneak because I can. I need something where I can't slip, I can't cheat. I have to be true to myself.

I want kids. Someday. And I know I will never get the weight off long enough to get there. This is vanity, but I really don't want to be a fat bride. I don't want to hate the photos of what is supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I've noticed there are no pictures of me from the last 2 years - I don't want any pictures taken of me. I never look in a full length mirror. My body? What body? I can only look at myself from the shoulders up.

If I stay like this, I know my chances of getting a job once I graduate from University are pretty slim when I'm like this. I feel like everyone just looks at me and doesn't realize how great of a person I am because the fat is standing in the way. I feel judged when I eat in public. The list just goes on & on.

Not to mention - my MIL was a large woman. She passed away this past October from a heart attack. She was 64 - and I don't want that to happen to me, ever. I miss her a lot and I wonder now if it needed to happen - I doubt she knew OHIP would pay for WLS. I didn't know until this March, but I had been thinking of it for a couple of years; just knew it would be a really long time before I could afford it.

These are my reasons for doing this. Two weeks to go!

AwesomeSauce

Isn't this guy amazing??! He's competing this season on So You Think You Can Dance ... and guess what his style is?

He's a principal ballet dancer. For serious! And he just KILLS this routine. I can't stop watching!

This routine almost - but not quite - takes the top spot for my most favourite routine ever, which was on So You Think You Can Dance Canada last season - Tara-Jean (who ended up winning) and Everett's house routine.

143

Happy Canada Day!

Keith & I plan on doing a whole bunch of nothing.

What are your plans?

PS: Today also marks the 2 year anniversary of Keith & I living together. I think I got a keeper!