I must say...I have great taste.

I did not want a registry.

At all.

It was a long, hard fight I fought until today.

Today, I relaxed, let go of the bridal-guilt, didn't look too closely at the price tag, and thought:

'oooh, that rose bowl looks so cute and omgwant. i will love it and hug it and call it my precious every day'

'i've been wanting those balloon wine glasses by mikasa since I first saw them'

'gosh these 400 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets are soooooofffft'

'i can see myself serving Christmas dinner for the rest of my life to my family with this china pattern'

All in all, we ended up with roughly 108 gifts. This amount includes when we requested more than one of the same item, like 8 place settings of that fancy-ass china I mentioned earlier (the store recommended twelve. TWELVE. As if. Eight is all I could stomach).

We have a good mix of price points - A LOT of our gifts are in the 25-50$ or 50-75$ range. We have five gifts over 200$ - and three of those I do NOT expect to actually receive. We put them on our registry because we desperately need them, and we have a year after the wedding to complete our registry, with 10% off (okay, so the 46" LCD flat screen isn't quite a 'desperate need', but if it arrives in our house, then I can get rid of the ugly fake wood humongous wall unit that currently dominates the living room and has our current TV residing inside it. With Keith's blessing. HALLELUJAH!)

The other two items were a couch with a pull-out bed (we live in a one-bedroom apartment; the pull-out bed is a necessity) and a love seat in the same colour (gray!). The sectional we have right now is beyond finished. It's ten years old, and an ugly purple red velvet, and just...it's gross, okay? I've been begging Keith to replace it with absolutely no success for the last year. (Actually, that's a lie. I hated them from the beginning). And today, I succeeded. I'm getting new couches, folks. New, pretty couches that weren't picked up from the curb, or passed along for free, or here when I moved in. New couches that reflect my taste, style and design aesthetic. Sigh. Right now I don't care if I'm seen as being greedy for putting a couch and loveseat on my registry - I don't expect my guests to buy them for me. They're just there so I have an extra year and 10% off when I go purchase them.

Anyway. I got off track. Wanna see some of the absolutely gorgeous things I Keith and I spent hours discussing, comparing, and selecting with the vision of still using them 30 years from now?

Larabee Dot Rose Bowl by Kate Spade

Five piece place settings: Platinum Wave by Noritake

4.5 quart cobalt blue stoneware baking dish, by Le Creuset

Set of 4: Balloon wine goblets, Cheers by Mikasa

Four piece place settings: Ikat by Vera Wang

Flatware, set of five; Aquarius by Oneida.

The rest of the outfit....part two

Part I

Ah. The veil. The single most defining piece of attire a bride can wear.

Let me preface this by saying - I have not found ANYTHING, EVER, to be more overpriced for what it is. (except, maybe, a KitchenAid mixer. Like, really now).

200$ for a piece of tulle?

What are you smoking?

I just couldn't justify that kind of cost. And while I love the look of a birdcage veil, I'm not sassy or stylish enough to carry it off. Plus, our wedding is a bit more of a formal affair than I personally think a birdcage veil calls for.

So I resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't be wearing a veil. Plenty of brides look amazing without one, and I knew I would look absolutely beautiful whether or not a piece of tulle was attached to my head. Plus, I reasoned to myself, I'm wearing a three-quarter sleeve length lace bolero (oh? I haven't told you about that? later, I promise). I didn't want anything to detract from it, so layering a long veil over it was definitely out.

Flash forward to this Saturday. I was really bored and poking around weddingbee, when I read Mrs. Star's journey. And stopped dead when I saw her veil.

Excuse me while I go pick up my jaw from the floor.

It's perfect.

It's not too long. It's not a birdcage. It's short and sweet and just bridal and formal enough for my sensibilities.

I've never seen a veil that length, ever. I don't even know what it's called; all I know is IwantitgottahaveitpleasebewithinwhatIcanspendohplease.

I'm changing it slightly - I want it even shorter. Because I really don't want to layer anything over the back of the bolero, I'm thinking of having it fall right to the back of my neck, perhaps a little bit longer, but not much.

The second change is with the lace edging. With my dress and the bolero both having lace, I felt that having the lace edging on the veil would be a little much. So, instead, I'm going to play up the other feature my dress has: I want to have a very few, scattered crystals incorporated into the piece.

I immediately fired off an email to Isobel, of Frash_Bel, who's handling my wedding day jewelery (an amazing necklace that I cannot WAIT to show you!) as well as my bridesmaid's gifts as a (very!) small token of my gratitude for dealing with crazy bridal me over the last year. She, the amazeballs she is, also does veils. All her work is custom designed-and-made and, most importantly of all for a girl like me, she is ridiculously affordable.

I crossed my fingers. And repeated my mantra of IwantitgottahaveitpleasebewithinwhatIcanspendohplease.

The quote I got back?

Let's just say I am a very very happy girl.

What a difference a year makes....

I looked like this at my college graduation in June 2010:

I hate that picture. I look so uncomfortable. So heavy. I look like I'm drowning in my own skin.

Just for fun, I threw on the exact same dress tonight when I realized it was pretty close to a year ago that the original photo was taken at my graduation from college:

Just look at me! What a difference!! Check out the length of the dress - where before I was lucky if it hit at the knee, now it's definitely at shin-length.

The scale says I haven't lost anything in months. Its so easy for me to look at that number (over and over and over again!) and get discouraged.

Then a picture like this comes along, and I notice that I finally - finally!! - have visible collarbones. Which, I assure you, I didn't have three months ago, even though I was at the same weight number as I am now.

Which really just goes to show you, this whole losing weight thing?

So much more than the sum of its parts.

Ten on Tuesday (Phones)

I've wanted to join in the last couple of weeks with this lovely meme. :) Thanks to Chelsea for hosting, and thanks to Krys at Eat This Soup for the questions!

1. What type of phone do you have? Do you like it?
I have the Blackberry Curve in Smokey Violet. I love it, except for the fact that the camera sucks, and it's about a year old, so the battery is starting to wear out.

2. How old were you when you got your first cell phone?
I was...20? 20 or 21.

3. How many cell phones have you owned since your first?
Um...let's see. Three? I had a basic silver flip one that was a pay-as-you-go, a Blackberry Pearl Flip (in PINK!!), and now this lovely Blackberry Curve in Smokey Violet. What can I say? I like my phones to have colour.

4. How much is your average monthly phone bill?
Well, my portion of the bill is about 46$. We just switched our plan - we used to have a Blackberry and a Samsung Gravity and paid, like 140$ per month. Now we have a family plan with three blackberries on it (Harry has a Blackberry Curve, and Keith has a Blackberry Bold) and pretty much pay the same amount, although Harry does give us 50$ for his portion.

5. When you were a kid/teenager, were you allowed to have a phone in your room?
Not in the slightest. I'm not even sure I was allowed to be on the phone in my room.

6. Do you like talking on the phone or do you despise it? Or somewhere in-between?
Eh. I'll call if necessary, mostly to find out information, or talk to my mom or Harry, but I don't really talk on the phone at all.

7. Do you text a lot? Is texting/talking while driving illegal where you live? Are you guilty of it anyway?
I text ALL THE TIME. I actually had to bump up my text amount from 1,000 to 1,200 because I kept going over. Now that Tat and Keith both have Blackberries, we BBM, which is practically free. YAY!
It's completely illegal. I may glance at my phone at a red light occasionally, or get the passenger to respond for me, but I never respond myself. It's just too distracting!

8. What sort of texting keyboard does your phone have? Touch screen, slide out, or something different? Do you care?
QWERTY keyboard; it's just a normal, regular keyboard. I love it, especially after my last two phones which had the old school 1=ABC 2=DEF type of keypad.

9. Look at the last call in your call log – who is it? What were they calling about? Who calls you the most?
It was a telemarketer or something, but the actual last call was to Harry, yesterday, at about 4:08pm. I think I was calling to tell him I was done at the dentist.

10. What is the longest phone call you can recall having?
Either my boyfriend in 10th grade or my mom. My mom can talk. Sweet Jay-sus.

dad; update

Looks like Dad is going to be fine! We visited last night & he had both the IV and ng tube out and was sitting up and walking.

Today he called me & said that if he can keep down breakfast and lunch, he'll be discharged this evening.

One more hurdle....

Edited at 5:29pm:

Dad's home! Yay! So glad everything turned out okay & he didn't end up needing surgery.

Dad

Keith's dad was admitted to hospital this morning for bowel obstruction (side effect of having half his colon removed years ago to combat cancer) and is potentially looking at surgery to correct the issue.

Kind thoughts/prayers/good juju would be appreciated at this time.

I'll keep you updated.

Hair & Makeup...?

So there's four possible choices for my hairstyle on Wday. Starting from the bottom: super pulled back, relaxed pulled back, completely down, and half up/half down.

Which looks the most flattering? Right now I'm trying to figure out if I can afford to have my hair professionally done, which would be ideal. Also, kind of regretting my decision to chop it off for the summer, even though I looked like a drowned rat. As for the back, I just want defined yet loose curls. If it's half up/half down that should be easy enough to do by myself, but if I decide on up, then this is what I'm envisioning. I definitely can't afford both a hair trial AND the day of, so I need to be 100% committed to one hairstyle. I probably won't be wearing a veil, instead I'll either pick up some sparkly hair pins or a very very thin jewelled headband.

As for makeup - in these pictures I'm wearing foundation, pressed power, a touch of blush, sliver eyeshadow, and mascara. Pretty basic - whenever I actually wear makeup this is what I wear (I either wear pink or silver eyeshadow. I know eh? Booorring). I know I need to add some sort of lip colour and figure out how to hide that unsightly brown mark near my lip, but do I need to add more makeup overall? Is it fine to do this portion of it myself? I mean - I don't look too bad ... right?

So, lovelies, what should I do?

And more importantly; what did you do for your wedding? Professional for both or did you do one (or all!) yourself? How did it turn out?

5 months

Update on my 7th month checklist

Done/in process:
- Venue
- Officiant
- Baker
- Bridal party chosen, dress picked out
- Florist
- Photographer
- Tat offered to do my hair & makeup for the day. YES PLEASE.

-Dress

-Rings

-Invites

- Bridal Jewelry & bridesmaid's gifts.

- Mom has offered to host a bridal shower for me back home the second weekend in September. I am beyond grateful.
- Linens booked

- Engagement photos done!

Next steps:
- Keith asking his side!! GAH GET ON THAT ALREADY.
- Decor (buy centerpieces, orange pom-pom napkin rings I'm DIYing)
- Attire for the men.

- Making our guest book from Blurb.

- The great name-change debate.

- Alterations

- Ordering the bridesmaid dresses.

Not even thinking about (or don't WANT to):
- Marriage license - this is only in this category because it's only good for 3 months, so we won't be getting it until August at the earliest.
- Music situation
- Hotel
- Timeline of the day, other than the ceremony time: 2:30pm.

- Candy buffet bags/boxes and labels/stickers

- Shawn is building me an actual photobooth, but I don't know how we're going to get it to take pictures just yet. Also. Need props.

Honestly, I think we're fine for being 5 months out. I'm right in the middle -- where all the big stuff has been booked or put into motion while the small stuff is too far away to think about yet (or is dependent on guest numbers). The next big steps will be invitations - we're putting the deposit down to order the supplies next week and I've set a deadline to have them out by the middle of July.

Personalizing our day....Canadian style.

It comes as no surprise to anyone reading my blog for any length of time that Keith is really into hockey, and specifically Junior hockey. If you had told me five years ago I would willingly watch a hockey game and actually enjoy it, I would have laughed my face off. I wasn't raised with the quintessential Canadian love of hockey and, to be honest, I thought the entire sport was just goons on skates. I mean, what other sport forces grown men to take a time out in a BOX for two minutes? Does this seem odd to anyone else?

But, hey. It turns out that hockey is a major part of Keith's life, and now by extension, it's a part of mine. Our first major trip as a couple was actually to Belleville, just so we could watch a hockey game. Actually, now that I think of it, most of our trips involve an OHL game or two; even our potential mini-moon will include a side trip to catch a Bulls game.

I bought an official jersey on the first trip, back in 2008 (about, oh, seven months into our relationship). It was the biggest size they had and it was super tight. Case in point:

These jerseys have nothing on the back, so you can customize them to your liking. And so I had a thought this weekend ... why not see if we can put our last name on the back of each jersey, and don them over our wedding garb? And to really make it special, we could put our wedding date (10/22) on them as well. It would make for a couple of really cute photos and it's just so us. Visions of unique thank you cards danced in my head when I thought of this idea; but I had to see if my jersey fit rightthatverysecond, because if it didn't, this idea was dead, and I didn't want to get my hopes up.

Well. I'm very happy to report that this happened when I put it on:

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I immediately commenced dancing like a crazy fool. AS IF it fits! AS IF I'm smaller than I was three years ago, WAY before this whole crazy weight-loss surgery journey.

So it looks like this idea is a big fat green light for GO, and I couldn't be more excited.....

If only I could actually decide which last name to put on the back of my jersey, that is.

Right. That little detail.

Sigh.

"Major" News

I switched my Major.

I'm now studying a double major in English and History.

Oh yeah, and I went and picked out the cardboard box I'll be living in after graduating. It's a beauty. Four walls, weatherproof, retractable roof. I'll be stylin', for sure.

In all seriousness though, I really think this is the right decision. I was dreading going through three more years of Law classes, especially after taking the introductory class. After I made the switch I felt this big weight lift off my shoulders, which in my world always means I made the right decision.

I don't want to write though. I want to edit - I've always enjoyed proofreading my classmates work, all the way back to elementary school. I figure that anything written anywhere, ever, is going to require an editor.

And I was mistaken in the amount of credits I needed to advance to second year standing - I need four, and I only had three and a half. Which means I'm taking another two credits this summer at the first year level. Frustrating, seeing as I was going to use this summer to get ahead, but I'm fairly psyched about the classes I chose, even if they are first year.

I'm taking an English (obviously), an introductory linguistics, and an introductory course of the survey of Roman civilization.

And you know, if I can't find a job after graduating, well, I always have my stylin' cardboard box to resort to.

Less wedding, more life

I made it through my first year of undergrad!! (Can I get a hell yeah?!)

Now that I've had a few weeks to reflect before heading into my summer session I want these next four months to be like, I've come up with a few things:

I'm not too proud of the grades (although I did pass everything) I ended up with, so that's a major focus over the next four months. I want to achieve at least a grade in the B range in all my three courses. This means actually doing the readings, going to class, etc. You know, actually being a student, not just half-assing at being one.

One of the major things is I need, for my own sanity, to stop focusing on the wedding so. freaking. much. Yes it's fun to plan and easy to talk about, but gah. Enough already. I'm tired of constantly being on the look out for inspiration. I'm tired of talking about it - actually, its more like I'm feeling that, Jesus H. Christ, I am more than just a bride. I want to have ACTUAL conversations, and more than that, I want to stop my brain from constantly running on a loop about colours and centerpieces and flowers and whether or not to wear a veil and whether or not I'll change my name and and and and oh effing just shoot me in the face already!

Another huge, major thing is I need to get out of this plateau I've been stuck in for what feels like months. I fluctuate between 238 and 240; I'm tired of seeing those numbers on the scale. I've also really slacked off with the working out, AGAIN. One of my major stumbling blocks is I hate working out alone, but I gave up my gym membership (too expensive for something I don't use, and I'm fed up with their crappy customer service). I also recently found out I get a gym membership included in my tuition, so if I'm going to use a gym...well, I think you can figure it out, right?
I want to go for runs outside this summer; but I'm self conscious about it. I know I need to bite the bullet and just go, but working myself up to that point is proving difficult! I also need to re-start doing the Biggest Loser on the Wii, and actually stick with it for more than a week - and I want to pick up Zumba for the Wii and start doing that a couple of times a week.

I guess what I'm trying to do is be consistent with my working out. I get all fired up for a week or two and do really well and then stop completely, and then get fustrated with what the scale says, and then get all fired up again. It's an awful cycle!

And, of course, it's now summer. Which means fresh produce is in season again - and I want to take full advantage of that this summer! I want to ban bread for an entire month, eat more salads, more fish, less jellybeans. I'm already drooling thinking of steamed asparagus paired with a filet of salmon with some brown rice on the side. So yummy!

I hate setting goals that say - "I want to weigh xx by date", because it never ends up that way, and then I get feeling all defeated and discouraged, but what the hell. I'm going to put this out there.

I want to weigh around the 220 mark by early July. That's 18 pounds in 2 months.

Can I do it? Stay tuned to find out ....

indecisive bride reporting for duty

You know what I hate most about this planning process?

The fact that I am SO. FRIGGIN. INDECISIVE. ABOUT. EVERYTHING. I have not had a decision throughout this process that I've not re-visited and changed my mind about something. Most noticeably? The decor.

I know, I know, you guys. First I asked you about books. Then, about bowls of candles, followed by lanterns. And you have always been so supportive and encouraging about ALL my ideas, that I kind of feel like I'm beating a dead horse by blogging about yet another vision.

Even though the sale fell through, black lanterns are still the number one idea. With silver chair sashes around each chair, and orange pom pom napkin rings around each napkin to complete the tablescape. Perfect, right?

Except for one wiggly, tiny little voice in my head, saying "flowers. flowers are pretty. you love flowers. why not flowers? FLOWERS FLOWERS FLOWERS!"

Damn you, tiny voice in my head. You won't win, but I'll compromise. Deal?

I just sent an email to my florist, asking her what the cost would be for something like this: Isn't it gorgeous? I'm picturing it a bit lower and wider, and obviously orange. These would be on half the tables, with the black lanterns being on the other half.

And, of course, because I'm a crazy, detail orientated bride, I need to change the orange napkin ring idea - because in my crazy ass mind, orange flowers + orange napkin rings = too much orange. Of course.

So this is my FINAL IDEA. I mean it you guys! If I change my mind from now until October, you're going to have to wait for the pro pics! Here goes: on the tables with the lanterns, there will be orange pom-poms, and on the tables with the orange carnations there will be silver pom-poms.

I really can't wait to see how it all comes together at the end - the soft, romantic white glow from the lanterns mixed in with the ruffly texture of the orange carnations, with the napkin rings adding just the perfect amount of a lovely, creative, whimsical touch.

Or, in one word: MWAH.

updated look

You don't see too many inspiration boards of the colour combo I've chosen for my wedding (seriously, what is UP with that?.) So far during this process I've either felt totally alone, or as if I'm super crazy for putting these two colours together.

So. In the interest of maybe helping other brides out when they go searching for this colour palette, here's my masterpiece:

PS: Everything but the lantern (which will be a different style) and the grooms outfit (still to be decided) is actually being used in our wedding.

I gotta ask: how easy was it for you to decide your colours? Would you ever consider using a colour combo that may be considered a little 'wacky'?

The rest of the outfit...part one

Even before I knew what my dress was, I've wanted to wear this bolero:



Now I'm second guessing myself, because I'm not sure if orange right next to my face is going to look the best, seeing as I'm a fair-skinned blonde.

So now I'm thinking of maybe wearing this bolero instead:


I'm so torn. I've been in love with the orange one since the beginning, and am having a hard time letting go of the idea, but I'm really unsure of how it will look!

So what do you think? Which one should I wear - orange or silver?

swoon

I have my dress. I know. I'm still in shock myself.

And Keith says I'm not allowed post pictures, because he really, really does not want to stumble across it in the six months until the wedding. (Wait, SIX MONTHS? When did that happen?!)

I went over my personal budget, but my budget was set really low because I thought I'd be able to wait until July, go to David's Bridal in Toronto, and walk out with a dress.

I guess the big things are that Keith is okay with what I spent on it (even if I'm still struggling), and it was still fairly inexpensive as far as wedding gowns go.

I guess I could describe it, a bit? It's white, not ivory. It has a train, and I don't even mind. It's a corset back with a sweetheart neckline and it's edged in beaded lace.

Oh, and I look fantastic.

Seriously ribs? STFU.

So I went again. This time alone. I KNOW.

And I found a real contender. It's a totally different style than the ones I tried on Tuesday, so now, my lovely ladies, I need your advice.

Should I go with something like dress #1 (from yesterday):

Or this one? It's an 18, which is why its a bit tight around the waist, and you can't see it but there's little sequins sewn into the skirt that just sparkle like crazy. I kept imagining our first dance and how it'll sparkle and swirl. (Oh, and that's my bra straps, its not a spaghetti-strap.)

So I'm torn. And want your honest opinions, so PLEASE! Leave them below. :)

I think I broke a rib

I went dress looking today.

And now I'm sore and slightly tender to the touch because mamma mia, those fuckers are tight.

I tried on four dresses - all pretty similar to each other, which is unfortunate, but is probably due to a combination of things: I'm a size 20w in bridal (gasp! woe!), so my selection is already limited, and the saleslady picking out the dresses was a big fan of the bling. I mean I said I really loved lace, and not a single one had the all-over lace I was envisioning.

I did appreciate that I only tried on dresses that I could fit into. I've heard horror stories of bigger girls having to literally hold up the dress and envision how it would look. Um...how about no??

I learned that the colour of my dress will be ivory; that I need spanx, like, yesterday; and that my dress will have a corset back no matter what. Oh, and it'll have some sort of cross-rouching right underneath the bodice.

I tried this on this weekend at the bridal show. It was magic - fit perfectly, made my waist look tiny, simple, no pickups or random bling, and the fabric felt amazingly nice...by far still

one of my favourite dresses. Since it was a sample dress on sale, I'm fairly sure it's been sold to some other amazingly lucky bride, but we'll see. (crosses fingers)

This is the first dress I tried on today. It was decent (see what I mean about the spanx? HELLO), but I super hated that drapery on the side (which, of course, you can't see because my hands in front of it). But yeah, trust me when I say that drapery was butt. ugly.

The second dress on was my favourite of the day. It's very similar to dress number one, just no stupid drapery side thing. Not too sure on all the bling everywhere, but it was super sparkly when she turned out the lights....(also. forgive the wonky bodice in all of these. I'm going to alter whichever dress I do end up with into a sweetheart neckline.)

Third. Hated the bling on the bodice, loved the skirt. Can I marry top #2 with bottom #3 for the price of #1? I think that'd be my favourite dress.

This is a Maggie Sottero and I LOVED the lace skirt peeking out at the bottom. LOVED. It didn't make me look as small as number 2 did, but sigh.

Which one is your favourite on me? Least favourite? And because I'm vain, which one made me look the smallest? ;)

t-shirt time

day 6 - write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

I only hope that 'interesting' is a subjective term.

• I don't get the Glee hype. Still watch it though.
• I'm not enjoying wedding planning as much as I thought I would. Tonight I finally decided to not even bother with coloured linens (our venue provides floor length white linens & white chair covers). I'm only having chair sashes. It was such a liberating feeling.
• I did my measurements today and I'm squarely between a size 14/16. Of course every store has different sizing, but hey. I'm going with it!
• I also fiiinnnnaaaalllly broke my stall and lost a pound.
• I don't know what the heck to study for my degree. I can either stick with Law, or switch it to History or English. I have to decide by end of second year. My minor is firmly set though: Jewish Studies.
• Salt is the best seasoning ever. Especially sea salt.
• I am not Jewish.
• I set a goal to work out every day during Lent.
• I like Twitter so much more than Facebook.
• I love Yankee Candles. "Autumn Leaves" is my favourite scent.
• Hate doing the dishes. Keith does more than his fair share.
• Every morning I wake up to the following text from Keith: "Good morning sexy. I just wanted to tell you that I love you. You have a great day."
• Sometimes I wake up to something along these lines: "It's time to open those big blue eyes and have an awesome day.Love you."
• When I think about it, it absolutely blows my mind that I started dating Keith at age twenty.
• It also blows my mind that I'm twenty-four. Last time I checked, I was just turning twenty-one.
• I want to do a Masters Degree someday, but I'm in no hurry. After 4 years of college & 4 years of University, I'm DUN.
• I watch an extraordinary amount of trashy TV. The Teen Mom/16 & Pregnant franchise and Jersey Shore come to mind.
• Keith actually likes Jersey Shore more than I do. It's really annoying.
• I love Rick Mercer, especially his rants. They always make SUCH. PERFECT. SENSE.
• I hate US-Canada shipping rates more than I hate winter. Which is a lot.
• I don't talk about religion a lot, except to debate it. Tat didn't even know I was baptized at age 16 until this week.
• I could easily go to a movie every week. I don't though.
• There are a lot of sentences starting with "I" in this post.
• I really want one of those one pound chocolate bunnies from Wal-Mart they sell 2.50$. No go, unfortunately. I also don't want to puke after.
• My ring size went from an eleven to a nine. I'm hoping by the time we go design our bands (end of May) I'll be down to an eight.
• My ring also desperately needs a cleaning. Any suggestions for a cleaner for gemstones?
• I'm so sick of the following people: Taylor Swift, Stephen Harper, Charlie Sheen, Justin Bieber, Lady GaGa, Nicki Minaj, Drake and Katy Perry.
• I love Pink. Have for years. She just keeps getting better and better. I also really like The Band Perry.
• I totally give Molly my leftovers.
• I'm probably going to need a brachioplasty, tummy tuck, thigh lift and breast augmentation, plus probably more that I haven't even thought of. I don't really care if I ever get them. Except for the brachioplasty. That's a must have.

Here goes...

day 5 - a time you thought about ending your own life.

Sigh.
I'm pretty sure I have S.A.D.

I say S.A.D rather than depression because it definitely follows a seasonal pattern, and has for years. If I notice a change when spring (finally) gets here, I will be seeking professional help. In the past, I always thought I was just depressed, never realizing the link between the arrival of warmer weather and the disappearance of symptoms until recently.

In hindsight, this has been going on since my first winter in Ottawa. Prior to that, I was swimming competitively all winter, and since one of the ways to treat S.A.D is regular physical ex cerise, it's quite possible I was 'treating' it without realizing I even had it. When I moved to Ottawa, I stopped being active, and the symptoms were definitely present, only to resolve themselves come spring. I didn't know about S.A.D at the time, plus there were so many external factors going on I attributed my feelings to those factors, and failed to make the connection. It's only been in the last couple of years I've known about S.A.D as a possibility, and then it took a while until I realized a link - and, even though my life is amazing and wonderfully privileged now, the symptoms haven't gone away.

Symptoms of S.A.D.
change in appetite, in particular a craving for sweet or starchy foods
weight gain
decreased energy
fatigue
tendency to oversleep
difficulty concentrating
irritability
avoidance of social situations
feelings of anxiety and despair

I've bolded all the ones I've noticed I experience over the winter months. Which is all of them. I think it's time to get some help?

I decided this would be my 'test' winter, since S.A.D is usually diagnosed when "symptoms that recur for at least 2 consecutive winters, without any other explanation for the changes in mood and behaviour". This is my 2nd winter that there has been no other explanation, and I'm just tired of fucking up my life every November to April. Everything is affected: I have wonky sleep patterns. I don't go to school. I don't want to step outside my house, and I can go days without doing so. I can sleep up to 12 to 16 hours a day. For the eating, I've definitely noticed - even with surgery, and trust me, I went from July to December without giving a second thought to starchy/sweet foods - that I've started craving them. Hardcore. I have yet to see if these cravings will disappear in the spring, but I'm guessing they will.

And then I'm just anxious, irritable, and just...I feel overwhelming sadness all the time.

I just wanted to point out that I've never actually wanted to die. I've wanted to stop being so sad. I've wanted to stop thinking about it. I've wanted to literally take off the top of my head and pluck out the pieces of the dark cloud that my brain is infected with. I wanted it to just. fucking. stop.

My attempts haven't really been attempts at all, really, if I'm looking at it honestly. A few incidents of taking pills, drug and alcohol abuse, a cutting episode when I was (much) younger. I know suicide isn't an option, especially now.

Like I said, I don't actually want to die. I just want the dark cloud in my head to go away.

Golden Rule

day 4 - your views on religion

Organized religion = cult.
Only with more funding.

That's my own, personal, cynical view on the whole issue. (I personally identify as lapsed Catholic).

However, saying that, I do realize that people need to believe in something, whether that be the God, Jesus Christ, or magical fairy elves. And if you believe - all the power to you. That being said, one religion is NOT more "right" than another. They are all equal; whatever you call your God, He is the same person.

I personally separate the issue of religion and God. In my mind, there is no doubt there is something higher out there, and all the scientific methods used to 'disprove' this existence can't do that.

But do I believe that if I don't confess my sins every Sunday or give a tenth of my earnings to the Church I'm going to hell? Not so much. I'm also pretty skeptical about the whole Jesus issue, and like to look at all religion from a historical viewpoint.

What are your views on the subject?