Here goes...

day 5 - a time you thought about ending your own life.

Sigh.
I'm pretty sure I have S.A.D.

I say S.A.D rather than depression because it definitely follows a seasonal pattern, and has for years. If I notice a change when spring (finally) gets here, I will be seeking professional help. In the past, I always thought I was just depressed, never realizing the link between the arrival of warmer weather and the disappearance of symptoms until recently.

In hindsight, this has been going on since my first winter in Ottawa. Prior to that, I was swimming competitively all winter, and since one of the ways to treat S.A.D is regular physical ex cerise, it's quite possible I was 'treating' it without realizing I even had it. When I moved to Ottawa, I stopped being active, and the symptoms were definitely present, only to resolve themselves come spring. I didn't know about S.A.D at the time, plus there were so many external factors going on I attributed my feelings to those factors, and failed to make the connection. It's only been in the last couple of years I've known about S.A.D as a possibility, and then it took a while until I realized a link - and, even though my life is amazing and wonderfully privileged now, the symptoms haven't gone away.

Symptoms of S.A.D.
change in appetite, in particular a craving for sweet or starchy foods
weight gain
decreased energy
fatigue
tendency to oversleep
difficulty concentrating
irritability
avoidance of social situations
feelings of anxiety and despair

I've bolded all the ones I've noticed I experience over the winter months. Which is all of them. I think it's time to get some help?

I decided this would be my 'test' winter, since S.A.D is usually diagnosed when "symptoms that recur for at least 2 consecutive winters, without any other explanation for the changes in mood and behaviour". This is my 2nd winter that there has been no other explanation, and I'm just tired of fucking up my life every November to April. Everything is affected: I have wonky sleep patterns. I don't go to school. I don't want to step outside my house, and I can go days without doing so. I can sleep up to 12 to 16 hours a day. For the eating, I've definitely noticed - even with surgery, and trust me, I went from July to December without giving a second thought to starchy/sweet foods - that I've started craving them. Hardcore. I have yet to see if these cravings will disappear in the spring, but I'm guessing they will.

And then I'm just anxious, irritable, and just...I feel overwhelming sadness all the time.

I just wanted to point out that I've never actually wanted to die. I've wanted to stop being so sad. I've wanted to stop thinking about it. I've wanted to literally take off the top of my head and pluck out the pieces of the dark cloud that my brain is infected with. I wanted it to just. fucking. stop.

My attempts haven't really been attempts at all, really, if I'm looking at it honestly. A few incidents of taking pills, drug and alcohol abuse, a cutting episode when I was (much) younger. I know suicide isn't an option, especially now.

Like I said, I don't actually want to die. I just want the dark cloud in my head to go away.

Golden Rule

day 4 - your views on religion

Organized religion = cult.
Only with more funding.

That's my own, personal, cynical view on the whole issue. (I personally identify as lapsed Catholic).

However, saying that, I do realize that people need to believe in something, whether that be the God, Jesus Christ, or magical fairy elves. And if you believe - all the power to you. That being said, one religion is NOT more "right" than another. They are all equal; whatever you call your God, He is the same person.

I personally separate the issue of religion and God. In my mind, there is no doubt there is something higher out there, and all the scientific methods used to 'disprove' this existence can't do that.

But do I believe that if I don't confess my sins every Sunday or give a tenth of my earnings to the Church I'm going to hell? Not so much. I'm also pretty skeptical about the whole Jesus issue, and like to look at all religion from a historical viewpoint.

What are your views on the subject?

please enjoy responsibly

day 3 - your views on drugs and alcohol.

Oh Jesus Mary on a stick. Bear with me here.

Disclaimer:
I am NOT trying to glorify drug and alcohol use. I know - as a former addict, thanks - the devastating effects of addiction. (And yes, I firmly believe that addiction = disease).

But.
Drugs and alcohol? They're frickin fun. I mean, the experience itself is. I see nothing wrong in occasional recreational use, provided that three criteria are satisfied:

a) you know your limit
b) you're educated/informed about the drink/drug you're about to do, and where to go if something happens, and how to recognize the signs IF something DOES go wrong.
and I can't stress this enough:
c) you do it SAFELY.

So. My views on the subject rest mainly on personal responsibility, education and safe use.
There's no Nancy Reagan campaign going on over here.

F-word

Day 2 - where you’d like to be in 10 years

I definitely have a vision of where I'd like to be in ten years.

In ten years, I'll be thirty four. I'd like to be gainfully employed and using my degree. I'd like to be financially secure. I'd like to have the same friends I have now. I'd like to be physically fit and healthy. I'd like to either own my own home, or be close to it. I'd like to have some [more] international travel under my belt. I'd like to be happy, in love, and content with my life.

But, most of all, I'd like to be a mom. A little boy running around with Keith's gorgeous green eyes and blonde hair? A little girl in love with sparklies and tutu's, who loves her nightly bedtime story with Mama and thinks her Daddy is the best guy in the world? I die.

This vision of myself at thirty-four is by no means extraordinary, but oh. In some ways, it's the most extraordinary vision in the world.

Apple

I got this idea I'm blatantly stealing this from one of my favourite blogs - Mary Beth over at Snare the World in Words. Basically it's a 30 questions in 30 days challenge with some pretty interesting questions (we all know how the last one went, so lets see if I can do better!) If you want to play along, find the daily prompts here.

Day 1 - your current relationship; if single discuss how single life is.

Since this entire blog is about our relationship, I'm finding it hard to say anything I haven't said before. And when I think about describing it, all that comes to mind is the tired old cliche that relationships are work. Sometimes not very hard work at all, mind you, but still work.

I don't really know what to add - we love each other, we're committed to each other, and we're supportive of each other. That's it. And it's everything.

7 months

Time for a reality check! Actually this list could go either way; it can either stress me out or calm me. Any bets as to which one it'll do?

Done/in process:
- Venue
- Officiant
- Baker
- Bridal party chosen, dress picked out
- Florist
- Photographer
- Tat offered to do my hair & makeup for the day. YES PLEASE.

Next steps:
- Invites (design and DIY)
- Keith asking his side!! GAH GET ON THAT ALREADY.
- Decor (buy centerpieces, linens/chair sashes, orange pom-pom napkin rings I'm DIYing)
- Rings
- Decide whether I want to apply to blog for weddingbee.

Not even thinking about (or don't WANT to):
- Dress/overall look (other than an orange bolero) for myself.
- Attire for the men.
- Marriage license - this is only in this category because it's only good for 3 months, so we won't be getting it until August at the earliest.
- Music situation
- Bridal shower/bachelorette (which I'm going to combine into one)
- Hotel
- Timeline of the day, other than the ceremony time: 2:30pm.

Honestly, I think we're fine for being 7 months out. Other than the dress thing, but I have my own personal reasons (and a plan) for that aspect.

What do you think?

ABC's of me

I totally stole this from Amber over at Girl with The Red Hair. Why? Because its fun. And I'm sick of breathing/thinking/talking about the wedding 24/7.

Age: 24

Bed size: Queen. It's heavenly. We used to have a double, and a queen is just so.much.better.
Chore you dislike: Vacuuming and dishes. Vacuuming because I have a black dog and a biege carpet. And dishes because ITS NEVER ENDING.
Dogs: 3 year old black lab mix, otherwise known as the cutest thing ever. Or Molly, if you really want to know.
Essential start to your day: A drink of some sort (usually Crystal Light) and a smoke. And twitter.
Favorite color: Orange! and yellow.
Gold or silver: White gold. Definitely!
Height: Somewhere between 5″4 and 5″5
Instruments you play(ed): Violin, trumpet, a BIT of piano.
Job title: Student. I also manage all the bills, housework and social life of this house.
Kids: Um...Can I confess something? I HAVE BABY FEVER SO FRICKING BAD. Except then I think of all the actual work that goes into having kids, and it goes away. A bit. Plus we can't afford one just yet, and we are in total agreement that not married = no kids.
Live: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada.
Mom’s name: "I-will-kill-you-if-you-ever-put-my-name-out-there-on-the-internet". Or "Mom" for short.
Nicknames: Sarsee, Pooky.
Overnight hospital stays: Appendix burst when I was 12, RnY surgery at 23.
Pet peeve: Justin Bieber. Those new Conservative party ads. I can't believe people watch those and don't scream at their TV (or worse, believe them). I also have seeeerious road rage. Slow/bad drivers take the cake. Also? TURNING SIGNALS ARE NOT AN OPTIONAL FEATURE. USE EM.

Quote from a movie: "You mistake me, my dear. I have the utmost respect for your nerves. They've been my constant companion these twenty years."
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Siblings: Older brother, younger sister.
Time you wake up: What time did I go to bed?
Underwear: Why yes, I wear them. Thanks for asking. Rude.
Vegetables you don’t like: Onions and mushrooms. Deeeesgusting.
What makes you run late: Smoking, traffic.

X-Rays you’ve had: Lungs for my appendix, teeth.
Yummy food you make: Banana bread.

Zoo animal favorite: Tiger, polar bear and elephant.

Blimp

I posted that I reached the magical number of 101 pounds lost on December 11.

Then Christmas happened. And I started eating junk food and bread products and fast food.
And Tat stopped doing flyers, which meant I stopped doing flyers.
Then I got sick in early January.

The result of all of this is that at my six month appointment (January 28), I was 259.

two hundred and fifty nine pounds.

I gained. And not just a little bit. Apparently my body likes to go big or go home.

***

Awful doesn't even begin to cover how I felt. This was further compounded by the highly unsatisfying doctors visit where I felt like a big, fat, RnY failure.

I wallowed for about a week. And then I realized a few key things:
1) I need physical exercise. Some people can do this on diet alone. I, apparently, am not one of them.
2) I really can't eat stuff like cereal or bread or junk food. The junk food is a no brainer, but I can't believe I let it creep back into what I eat.

I refocused and did two major things:
Redefined what I consider a treat. My two big things right now are No Sugar Added Jell-o chocolate pudding and honey lemon tea.

Added a wack of physical exercise. I do Biggest Loser on the Wii at home 3-4 times a week and Tat & I have made a re-commitment to the gym - we go 2-3 times a week and spend a solid hour and a half each time.
I conquered my fear of the treadmill and everything bouncing, and I set a major goal for myself: To run two 5k's this year - one on May 28, and the other on October 2. Run. Not walk. (To do this I started following the C25K program). We go to Zumba a couple of times a week and I'm hoping we make it to an Aquafit class sometime soon.

I'm still not down to my December 11 weight, but I'm close. In 3 weeks I've lost 16 pounds.

But most of all?

I don't feel awful anymore.

Love Story

Saturday night I looked out my 7th story window and noticed the rink was empty.

"Let's go skating." I suggested.

I hadn't skated since before I hit double digits, but it's like riding a bike, right? Easy-peasy.

Um. Not exactly.

I basically spent the majority of the time like this:

What struck me was the fear.

Fear made my legs go stiff. I didn't trust the surface of the ice; I didn't trust my balance. I locked my legs and swayed from the waist, too terrified to move.

"Take my hands," Keith urged me. I placed my hands in his and he pulled me along, gently, slowly.

I put my hands in his, and for a brief moment, I glimpsed a tiny sliver of our future together. I saw our three year old, skating for the first time, her tiny hands being held in her daddy's hands as he guided her around the ice.

The fear shifted, diminished.

I knew I wouldn't fall. I knew I was safe, my hands in his.

cake v.02

(courtesy of The Cake Whisperer)
Feeling slightly better.
It's pretty awesome eh?
Can't wait to see it in real life!

Stuff I'm digging lately ....

This sign:
(from Etsy)Wouldn't that just be the cutest thing to have propped beside the card box/guestbook? I'd obviously change the colours and after I could hang it somewhere in our house!

These hangers:
(Also from Etsy)
I'll confess: I really want these. Like, really really want. For me & all my girls. They're freaking adorable.

Another confession: I've been spending a LOT of time looking at different dresses for myself. And the best place to do this? PreOwnedWeddingDresses, hands down. They have EVERYTHING. From David's Bridal to Maggie Sottero to Jim Hjlem to even designers like Vera Wang and Monique Lhuillier. Best thing? You actually get to see the dress on a real woman, not some 6 foot size negative 6 model, and the prices can be up to 75% off retail. Effing. Score. Every bride needs to know about this site.

True story: Earlier this week I was so engrossed in looking at dresses I completely forgot to leave to pick up Keith from work. Ahem. (Can you say em-barrr-aaasssing?)

So that's what I'm into lately. Anything you'd like to share?

The cake

I'm currently hyperventilating over the cost of our cake.

I think this will be a battle won by Keith.

And I'm realizing that according to all the 'experts' out there, I'm going about planning my wedding the entirely wrong way. I'm basically booking the first vendor I meet with. 'Experts' say to try at least 3 of each.

Can you say EXHAUSTING? I literally do not have the time or patience to meet with three separate vendors for each thing. Plus, this internet and email thing? VERY HANDY TOOL.

But still. Hyperventilating over the cost of this damn cake.
Keith likes our baker. Doesn't want to meet with anyone else.
Therein lies our problem.

I think I might let him have this one. He conceded on the honeymoon registry idea (not registering at all, thank you. One less stressor).

I don't have any pictures to show you of it because its a custom designed sketch, but I'll try my best to describe it:

Three tier cake. The bottom and top tier will be white, with the middle tier being orange. The white tiers will have a dark gray ribbon around the bottom. There will be a spray? cascade? of sugar-paste flowers on the side of the cake, reaching from the top of the bottom tier to the bottom of the top tier, and the colour of the flowers will be white in the middle and then gradually whiten so that the ones at either end will be orange.

Whew. That was a mouthful. Hopefully I'll have a sketch pretty soon so I can actually show you what it's going to look like.

And the flavours?
We've tentatively decided on chocolate cake with raspberry filling, vanilla cake with cookies & cream filling, and red velvet with cream cheese filling.

Its a damn shame I'm probably only going to be able to eat three bites of it.

Still alive ... just not kicking.

So far 2011 has been kind of shitty.

First, I got sick to the point of losing my voice. And it lasted two weeks!

Secondly, Keith did something to his back. He took 3 days off work last week & still can't even manage to put his own socks on.

I'm in a funk with school - and this whole wacked out sleeping schedule I'm currently enjoying (umm...not) doesn't really add to the situation.

I haven't lost anything significant since hitting 100 pounds lost over a month ago. I'm getting frustrated and impatient. Although I will fully admit I've been letting carbs sneak back into my food choices. I've noticed something odd: When I eat carbs, I find I crave food; specifically, more carbs (naan bread & hummus is particularly delicious). Compare that to being able to have a take-it-or-leave-it attitude towards food when carbs aren't a food choice (still not "normal person hungry"). Time to wean off the carbs. Sigh. FML.

As far as the wedding goes, we've made progress on bridesmaids dresses and met with our baker, whom Keith really likes.

Bridesmaids dresses: I found them off Etsy, of all places! My requirements for bridesmaids dresses are pretty simple: Cheaper the better, knee-length and the same shade.

(Aside: although 2 of my girls are BEYOND amazing and told me they'd be okay with shelling out up to 300$ for a dress, my sister can't pay for her own, which means I'm going to have to. And I know I can't afford that much. So, yes. Cheaper = better.)

Anyway, without further ado:

The Infinity Wrap Dress by Localovespirate!

Isn't it gorgeous??! My girls can wrap/wear it any way they feel most comfortable on the day, I really don't care. I ordered the 'silver' (pictured) and 'steel' fabric samples to compare. I'll get everybodys opinions on the 19th when Peggy comes down for a visit. YAY!

As for the cake, I think I'll do a separate post on that because this post is getting super long. And no, it won't be a month later. Swearsies.

Christmas

I was complaining how my sister was rude about the bra I wore for Christmas dinner to Keith tonight. He replied, "Is that because she was mad that M [her boyfriend] was staring at them?"

I replied: "HE WAS WHAT??!"

Which clearly demonstrates: I am COMPLETLEY clueless when it comes to guys. Completely. Sorry Becky, but next time please date someone who's more respectful to you than one that stares at your sister's tits at Christmas. Jeez.

Keith did super well on gifts this year. Actually, both him & his dad did. I made out like a bandit:
-Katy Perry CD Teenage Dream. (I only listen to CD's in the car when I drive alone, and Katy Perry is awesome driving music.)
-MASSIVE Mistletoe scented Yankee Candle.
- 50$ gift certificate to Starbucks.
-50$ gift certificate to Old Navy. (Keith).
-75$ gift certificate to Chapters
- Novel, Open Doors by Gloria Goldreich.
- Blue cable hoody sweater from Old Navy.(Keith's dad).

See? I got SPOILED.

Other funny stories: We got Harry wiper blades, and wrapped them separately. After he opened the first one, we told him we couldn't afford the second one, but hey. Here's one, sorry, go buy the second one. HE BELIEVED US.

I nearly died.

I realized this Christmas Keith is going to be super fun to have kids with. He comes up with stuff I would never think of - like Christmas Eve, we were discussing Norad's tracking Santa deal, and how cute it was for the kids, and he said, "oooh, you could just go; See? Santa's in England, its time to get to bed!!" He is BRILLIANT. I would have never thought of saying that!! LOL.
And today; he wrapped one of my gift cards in a big box, and actually put a spoon and screws in the box so it 'rattled' if I shook it. Seriously! Where does someone come up with stuff like that?

He's awesome.
I love.

How was your Christmas?

Christmas wish

Dear life:

Could you possibly find it within yourself to stop kicking me?

It's hard & it hurts, and I'm already down. To keep doing it is just cruel.

You big bully.

Piss off and die;
Sarah

Who knew?

Playing around with linen combinations could be pretty fun?

Which of these combinations looks best? Also, 2 things: the napkin rings will be orange, I just couldn't find any offered, and there will be a black/brown lantern as a centerpiece.

101 reasons surgery was worth it.

I did it!
First major milestone reached!
50% of the way there.

Extremely happy :)

I'm not that bad, honest.

Keith says I'll be exactly like the bride in this ad on our wedding day.

I promised him I wouldn't be...but trust me, the thought of it is tempting! :)

This morning

Keith (trying to screw on the lid of his B12):
I can't get it to close! Why isn't this closing?

Me, peering at it:
You're probably just overthinking it.

Keith (still trying, his movements becoming slightly more frantic):
It just won't go! This is really weird! Why can't I do this?

(I pick up the bottle, look at the lid, put the lid of B12 on the multi-vitamin bottle, and the lid of the multi-vitamin on the B12 bottle - whaddya know, both of them close properly).
See? I told you you were overthinking it.

Keith (sheepish):
Oh. Thanks.

Me Heart Decor

A few decor ideas:

First off: I FOUND THEM! My #1 centerpiece idea:

{ source }

You know how bloody hard it is to find that kind of style in lanterns?! Honestly!

Basically a bride on weddingbee used them in her wedding and I contacted her about selling them - so now I'm just crossing my fingers that it doesn't cost a zillion dollars to ship them from the US. Once I get them I'll be spray-painting them silver to fit our colours; hopefully it works out.

And I've decided to go with the chair sashes & pompom napkin rings, and to purchase them in January. (I just made up a month-to-month payment schedule in order to figure out what cost goes into which month. Barring any unforeseen calamities, it should work.)

Now that I have the general idea for the reception decor figured out, it's time to brainstorm about ceremony decor ....(can you tell that this category is fast becoming my favourite part about wedding planning?) A few ideas:

• Monogrammed aisle runner (we need one anyway & we're having monogrammed invites)
• Free-standing (since we're most likely having an indoor ceremony and even if we aren't, our outdoor space is a deck, not grass) shepherd's hooks with mini lanterns on them (can I even find them?)
• Ceremony ritual accessories (can't forget to add those to the budget, damnit)
• Something up front, maybe, but not sure exactly what.

Total budget for this stuff is 180$, so we'll see if all my ideas come to fruition.

Venue: Check!

We did it! Told ya I'd have the venue chosen/paid for by the end of November!

Introducing the place where all the magic will happen:

(photos taken from here)

Top: Outside ceremony area, bar/cocktail hour & dance floor.
Bottom: two views of banquet room.

Picture this

This:

filled completely with these:

Elegant. Simple. Clean. Gorgeous.

And now for a little math:

10 tifle bowls @ 12$ each = 120$
Candles (projected budget) = between 100-150$

Total cost of 10 centerpieces: between 220$ and 270$.

Also on the table would be these napkin-ring pompoms in orange, as an alternative to having to price out, hunt down, and rent orange napkins (can you say $$?). Aren't they ADORABLE?

(Found here)

Two other things: our venue includes chair covers with its rental fee, so I'm in the middle of deciding if the cost of chair sashes (orange, duh) is worth it for that extra added "pop" AND I found a great deal on weddingbee. Another thing I'm currently deciding is if I want a silver pin-tuck overlay, (also found on weddingbee), but is that just too much? Will anybody really notice?

Plus, then we're wandering into slightly-more-expensive-but-definitely-getting-sick-about-that-amount-of-money territory; a conservative estimate puts all the decor for the reception (excluding the overlays) around the 400$ mark, and I still have to price out chinese lanterns for over the dance floor. My estimated budget (given to me by the lovely Martha Stewart) puts centerpieces & decor for the reception at 600$, and I really, really want to be under that.

So. What do you think? Love it? Hate it? Not your style?

Four months out - a visual representation

Yes, I realize there is no 2 month. I was despairing that I would never lose anymore weight, wah wah wah. So I skipped the picture.

And please click to enlarge. I have no idea why it's so effing small.

On Alcohol

Quick poll here:

1) Full cash bar
2) Full "toonie" (2$) bar
3) Full bar, but anything that's not wine, signature cocktail, or domestic beer are full price, while the aforementioned items are charged 2$.
4) Modified bar - only serves wine/signature cocktail/domestic beer, and charged 2$.

Which of these is
a) the least rude
b) the least confusing
?????

Centerpiece Idea

A stack of books, individually wrapped in alternating colours with opposite ribbon, complemented with a small vase with a single orange Gerber daisy inside.

The best part about this idea is that I have a quite embarrassing amount of books I've only ever read once and really don't care about never seeing again.

What do you think? Tacky? Unique? Really cool idea? Abort abort abort?

Even more venue searching...

This weekend was full of venue searching - we went and saw St. Elias on Friday, Orchard View on Saturday, and Kanata Golf & Country Club on Sunday.

St. Elias started off rocky, as the guy didn't remember the meeting we had set up and then informed me that the dates he had previously said were available were booked! But, unlike the jerk from St. Anthony's, he apologized profusely and at one point even joked, "I can't believe you're still interested in having your wedding here!"

The space itself was a gorgeous banquet hall, complete with massive chandelier in the center of the room - and they were about to start renovations in January to update the whole space (new carpet/window coverings/paint job).

The potential deal breakers about the location were chiefly that we'd have to change our date to November 4th, and there isn't a space to have a ceremony onsite.

Orchard View
Is beautiful. However, we'd (again!) have to change our date to November 5th in order to afford it. And I'm just not ready to do that, especially when we have a perfectly acceptable venue that we both agree on (Camp Fortune) being able to give us our preferred date. Also, they want a 25% deposit, which we would have a hard time coming up with.


Kanata Golf & Country Club
Perfectly acceptable space, except I totally forgot to ask about rental space fee and deposit schedule and Keith thinks the room is a little claustrophobic. And again, it just pales in comparison to Camp Fortune.

We have two more venues to see over the next week, but it's looking more and more like Camp Fortune is going to win out. I will say this though: I wish we could be able to afford Stanley's. It's an amazing, beautiful, gorgeous venue and we are both in love with it. Both Keith and I fully agree that if our budget was the typical size a couple spends on a wedding, we would have already signed on the dotted line. I guess you know where we'll be if we win the lottery!

And yes, it makes me sad that we can't afford our dream venue, but I knew sacrifices and adjustments would have to be made because our budget is so small. I'm happy with Camp Fortune, don't get me wrong. I just need to wallow for a few days, and then I'll be over it. Promise.

Thank you. Really.

I just wanted to post a quick note to thank Heather for her totally amazing, incredibly generous gift:

Our cake toppers!

Aren't they just the most adorable thing you've ever seen? The colour of the accessories (and the accessories themselves) are fully customizable. I may not have my cake yet - but damnit, I have my cake toppers! And of course, you know the reason behind choosing elephants.

I can't wait to order them. Thank you Heather. Thank you so, so much.

More Venue Searching

Thank goodness, we can cross not one, but two venues off our list.

Cartier Place Suite Hotel - this meeting didn't even happen. I made the mistake at looking at 'reception' instead of 'banquet' when I enquired about availability, and the only room they had big enough for our guests had no availability on the dates we wanted. So regretfully I had to call off the meeting..

But I didn't take a day off - I scheduled a meeting with St. Anthony's Banquet Hall instead.

Jesus. Bad. So bad. We didn't even stick around for the costs discussion. The guy we met didn't even reach to shake my hand, he forgot that we were coming for a meeting, and he passed us off almost immediately to someone else to show us the room. Plus the room was run-down, with dark red carpets (can you say clash?) and just...not very good. Keith was not impressed.

Capone's Catering will have to be rescheduled because of Remembrance Day - I'm hoping to reschedule for sometime this weekend so we can get this process over with. This is NOT the fun part of wedding planning, let me tell you.

We have St. Elias on Friday & Orchard View on Saturday, and I'm waiting to hear back from Capone's Catering and then there's 2 more golf clubs to arrange meetings with. AND THEN, BY GOD, I AM DONE.

Inspiration Board

Why yes, our colours are silver/pewter and orange. How did you guess?

Made with Mosaic Maker

Budget bride

I used to think I needed a big wedding. Then I went to the opposite end, because wedding planning stresses me out and I really didn't think we could have a nice, classy wedding on our budget.

Which, by the way, is ridiculously small. And since we're not using credit or a loan, we simply cannot pay for something with money we don't have.

And yes. We are pretty much funding this wedding by ourselves. Keith's dad will help out if/when he can, and my dad will probably give us a nominal amount, but 95% of the total cost will be us.

What's that? You want to know what we've decided on so far? WHY CERTAINLY!

• I found a photographer. She's amazing, I love her work, and her rates are beyond reasonable. We're hoping to book her by Christmas.


• I asked my brother to DJ for the reception. He's a professional who makes his living in the music industry, and he was very happy to be asked. Other than the cost of renting the equipment, he'll do it for free, which translates into significant savings.


• I asked my maid of honour's sister - who recently graduated from Graphic Design - to design our wedding stationary (invitations, programs, menus, thank yous, etc). She said whatever we can afford to pay her will be fine, and will leave the printing up to me. We also aren't sending Save-The-Dates.


• We've changed our date from a Saturday to a Friday, because most venues offer discounts for weekday weddings. And while the idea of having an off-season wedding (early November or late March are the only times I would consider) is attractive, budget-wise, I just really want a fall wedding.


• No kids. By not inviting whole families, our guest list goes down by 13 people. That's huge.


• Our budget does NOT allow us to have an open bar, all night long. We just can't. Right now we're thinking of providing wine for dinner and having a wine/beer/signature cocktail bar. We're also floating the idea of charging a nominal amount per drink, which covers about half the actual cost, instead of a full-on cash bar. Here in Ontario, they have to charge on a per-consumption basis. No exceptions.


• Small guest list. I'm trying to keep it under 80, but Keith keeps adding people. Still debating this; I really hope we can cap it at 80, or even under.
  
• If I can get a reasonable quote for flowers - and we aren't having floral centerpieces, or boutonnieres, so it's just bouquets/corsages then we'll go with a florist. If not? There are tons of video of how to DIY bouquets, and since I'm just having gerberas & roses, it's not that big of a deal.
  
• I'm going to do my own hair and makeup. Or if I decide to go "professional" the makeup counter at Sears will do just fine.
  
• The favours are going to be a help-yourself candy bar. Ta-DA! Kill two birds with one stone there.
  
• We can wait to take our honeymoon for a few months. That's not a huge deal to us at ALL. Besides, Keith will most likely be starting a new job around that time, and probably couldn't take the time off anyways. Not to mention I'll still be in school.

Venue searching

We've started the wedding planning process.

Now, please excuse me while I go bang my head against a wall. Repeatedly.

We're venue hunting. Oh my ever-loving freaking God. We've seen 3, and have another 3 meetings lined up this week, and I'm waiting to hear back from another 5 to see if they have the date available/set up meetings. So yes, I might have gone a little crazy, because that's 11 in total.

The reason we have so many is because we aren't firm on if we want ceremony + reception together, or just a reception space. I'm still deciding if the added stress and money needed to have a ceremony site separate from reception space is worth it. We also have very different tastes when it comes to wedding venues; Keith wants golf club-type of feel, and I want classy rustic. We both don't want it to look cheap or tacky (aka no Legion halls, thanks), but I'm more laid-back as to what classifies as acceptable, whereas Keith? Not so much.

So we're looking. We've looked at The Ark, Stanley's Maple Lane Farms, and Camp Fortune so far.

The Ark is completely out. It's 50 minutes from Ottawa on the Quebec side and it was just horrible. When we went for our meeting the guy was rude to me and the actual space looks like somebody's basement. Not to mention the price: 2,000$ for ceremony + reception + officiant. Catering is done by an outside party, decor is extra, bar is byob.

Maple Lanes is by far our favourite so far, but we can't agree on a specific venue within the farm. I like the Stonehouse, Keith likes their main lodge. Both are completely beautiful, just different. It's about 20 minutes outside of Ottawa on the Ontario side, in Metcalfe. The price gives me heart palpitations, but its a very comprehensive package that I'm sure can be tweaked. Plus he quoted me on 100 guests, and we won't have that many. Still, for just over 11.5k we get ceremony + reception + audio system + officiant + reception decor + linen's/chairs/tables + catering + cocktail hour + serving staff, plus a bridal attendant for the whole day. If we went with the Stonehouse, it's about 2,000$ less. The stuff I don't like is the guy we dealt with was kind of an asshole, and I'm sure I can get the reception decor for less than the price we've been quoted, but they don't allow outside vendors. Deposits are 1,000$ to reserve the space, 1,000$ both 6 and 3 months before, 65% of the remaining balance due 3 weeks before and the remaining 1 week before the wedding.

Camp Fortune is squarely in the middle. It's a gorgeous lovely ski lodge on the Quebec side, about 20 minutes from downtown Ottawa. We would get the entire lodge (2 huge spaces) for ceremony, cocktail hour, dinner and dancing. They have an exclusive in-house caterer, and we'd have to bring in our own decor. The deposit system is amazing; 500$ to reserve the space with 50% of the catering bill due 3 weeks before and the other 50% due within 30 days after the wedding. Plus I just liked dealing with the event coordinator; very friendly, easy to talk to, down to earth, informative, etc.

This week we're going to see 3 reception sites: Cartier Place Suite Hotel on Tuesday, Capone's Catering on Thursday, and St. Elias Centre on Friday. The biggest disadvantage to these ones is that I would probably have to find a separate ceremony site, and to be honest, I'm not sure I'm up for the added cost and stress. We'll see though.

And yes, in case you're wondering, I have made Keith promise that we'll power through the remaining venue meetings, and make our decision by the end of November.

Artwork

I've been wanting to post this forever, but had to finish that 30 days of me challenge.

Earlier this month, Keith & I got tattoos to commemorate his mom. She loved elephants - collected them all over her house. So it felt natural to honour her with one:

Mine, on my upper back. It says "for life's not a paragraph and death, i think, is no parenthesis" by e.e. cummings.

Keith's, upper arm. The characters say "elephant" and "DJW" were her initials.

(I am so lucky to have a best friend whose fiance is a tattoo artist; he did these for minimal cost.)

#30daysofme - #27, #28, #29, #30

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

I wanted to see if I could post every day for 30 days. Fail.

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

Left: Keith & I at my graduation in June. Probably at my heaviest.

Right: Literally today, 73 pounds lighter. What a difference!

Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned

I've learned that Keith actually cares where we get married and is willing to trade in his dream of an open bar to do so. WTF?

Day 30- Your favorite song.

Uhh. Don't have one overall, but I do like Michael Buble's "Hollywood", Pink's "Raise your glass" & The Ready Set "Love like woe" currently.

#30daysofme - #21, #22, #23, #24, #25, #26

So clearly I suck at this posting everyday thing. Damnit. Here's the last 6 days, to catch up.

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy

Rainy fall days are awesome. I love this season.

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else

Absolutely nothing. Seriously. I am unique, just like everyone else. Thanks Barney. That was a valuable life lesson.

Day 23- Something you crave for a lot

Snuggles. Lots and lots of snuggles. There. Now you know our secret. I'm gonna have to kill you. Sorry.

Day 24- A letter to your parents

Dear Mom:
It was lovely to see you this weekend. Can we go to The Magic Flute at the Four Seasons Performing Arts in Toronto this winter?

Love you

Me.

Dear Dad:

Are you in Mexico for the winter yet? I can never keep track.

Love you

Sarah.

Day 25- What I would find in your bag

Currently, you would find a pink wallet, a nearly empty case of dentyne intense gum, covergirl lip gloss with moisturizer, a black elastic, scented hand cream, a requisition for blood work, my hospital bracelet from surgery this summer, a little black lighter, keith's paystub, a couple of receipts & my old bus pass stuff. When I go out, I just add my phone, a pen, cigarettes & keys. And if I'm going to school, I add my voice recorder and a notebook.

Day 26- What you think about your friends

I think they're sooper. :)

#30daysofme - #20

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

This guy. He's pretty awesome. :)

#30daysofme - #17, #18, #19

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why


I think I'd like to switch lives with my cat. Honestly. He has it so good: Gets to lie around looking insanely cute, doors open and close for him on command, sleeps a lot, doesn't have to worry about paying rent or bills. Yeah. Cats have it all, man.

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have

Have a Bernese Mountain dog. I want to graduate University and have a job I enjoy afterwards. Get married the way we dream about. Be able to buy a decent-sized house. Keep my friends. Get pregnant easily and carry to term. Be able to financially work part-time while I raise my kids. Just a regular, decent life. That's all I want.


Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them


I actually have no nicknames to speak of. Yeah, I'm lame. It's okay.

#30daysofme - #16

Day 16- Another picture of yourself:

Right before going out
for our 3rd anniversary (I threw on a sweater after this photo)

#30daysofme - #15

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play.

Man, I suck at the posting suggestions this week. Would you believe me if I said I've never had an iPod?

Scratch that, I've never actually owned any Apple products. I'm kind of proud of that fact - I want to see how long I can go without buying one. Steve Jobs is rich enough, I don't need to pad his pockets any.

I do have a voice recorder (I use it for my lectures) that can also hold audio files. The music can't be put on 'shuffle', and all the music currently on it is - at minimum - 2 years old.

So again. A massive fail. Woops-a-daisy. Maybe tomorrow will be better?

#30daysofme - #14

Day 14- A picture of you and your family

My mother would kill me if I ever posted a picture of her on here. She even forbids me to tag her in photos on facebook.

I also feel uncomfortable putting a picture out there of people whom I know aren't exactly kosher about the whole deal.

So I fail at this challenge. Sorry folks.

#30daysofme - #13

Day 13- A letter to someonething who has hurt you recently.

Dear thighs:

Please stop being whiny bitches and help me out a little here. I'm trying to be active. Your constant complaining isn't helping.

Peace out,
Me.

#30daysofme - #9, #10, #11, #12

Woops, posting everyday kind of got away from me. Here's the days I missed, and regular posting will (hopefully) resume on Monday.

Day 9- Something you’re proud of in the past few days

I went to the gym three times last week. And yet, only Sunday could be called an actual workout. Monday I went to yoga, and yep, I was the girl who sat on the floor for a good 20 minutes because there was absolutely no way in hell my body was bending that way. Oh well. Try again next Monday I guess. (what I did Tuesday doesn't even deserve a mention).

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

This is sooo hard. Basically right now I'm listening to I love Cee-Lo Green's "F**k You", Katy Perry's "Teenaged Dream", Eason Corbin's "A Little More Country than That", Sugarland's "Stuck like Glue" and Darius Rucker's "Come Back Song". I don't have any music on this computer, so I rely on youtube or I stream the radio, which means I don't listen to old favourites, like Michael Buble or George Strait. And I definitely don't listen to certain songs for certain moods.

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends

Arrgh. You're kidding. We are not picture taking friends. I reserve the right to post an updated picture later. My blog, my rules!

Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one

Would you believe me if I said I don't remember? I do remember my first blog was called Sockjuice, and I blogged from November 2002 to the following July with my then-boyfriend at the time (seriously, check out the very first post, it's all kinds of awesome). It was a way to keep in touch when we lived 45 minutes away from each other and neither of us drove. Ha. I'm just re-reading my 15 year old self. My god I was a lame kid.

#30daysofme - #8

Day #8 is something about short term goals for the month & since September is nearly over, I'm going to say these goals are for October, okay?


- go to every class. I tried last week and ended up missing 2. I was just so tired.
- to not provoke/be provoked into a fight with my mother when I go home for Thanksgiving.
- buy Tat flowers when she graduates.
- go to the gym 3 times a week, every week. (excluding Thanksgiving).
- to not stress if I don't see a certain number on the scale at my 3-month appointment.
- burn my new fall candles every day, just because they make me happy.

#30daysofme - #7

Day 7 is a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on me, which would be my RnY (2nd picture) without question:
I just want to preface this by saying I am far from a model patient, but please refrain from any judgements - if you want to do that, go have the surgery & then we'll talk. I'm just telling it like it is.

Take yesterday, for example. I woke up and immediately hopped on the scale to see what I weighed. Then comes the vitamins and medication - I take one chewable multivitamin with 18mg of iron now and one right before bed - in total I get 36mg of iron a day. In the mornings I also take 40mg of omeprazole and a B12 with at least 500 mcg.

I go out for a venti skinny cinnamon dolce latte, 160 calories & 15 grams of protein. I add 6 splenda's. I come home, do a load of laundry and a load of dishes, and take my calcium - 2 tablespoons of liquid calcium citrate with vitamin D. I have to make sure it's citrate and not carbonate since I don't absorb the latter, and I take a total of 1,000 mcg (of calcium) and 400IU (of vitamin D) per day.

I head out again to pick Keith up from work, stopping on the way to grab another latte. Then we deviate from the norm; we go to the mall to grab a few things, like a new gym bag for me (soooo pretty). We order two snack wraps (chicken caesar) from Tim Hortons. I take 2 bites of the actual bread itself and immediately feel pain in my upper chest. I then proceed to pick out the lettuce and chicken and leave the bread for Keith - but not before struggling to breathe in Sears and having to run back to the bathroom in case it comes up. It doesn't, but it's just another lesson learned; my body absolutely cannot handle bread products. I don't know the actual caloric value of the wrap since I didn't eat the bread, but it does have 13 grams of protein.

For sake of brevity - and the night really doesn't bear repeating - we order KFC for dinner. It's the first time since before surgery; the difference between couldn't have been more vast. Before I could have easily put away five or six pieces of chicken, half an extra large fry (both doused in gravy) and healthy dollop of potato salad, all washed down by a Diet Pepsi.

Tonight? I barely managed 1 and a half pieces of breast. I didn't eat the skin. I had a forkful of fries, with a little gravy, and I didn't even touch the salads, or the drink. And then I lay down on the couch and felt like complete and utter shit for close to an hour after, all the while wondering why I even bother eating at all. Total protein was 43.5 grams though, which is huge.

I track my food consumption daily on livestrong.com. Total calories for the day was 740 - and this was a really high day. (I included the entire wrap but not the fries, to balance it out).

But I don't just deal with calories. I also track other things - for example, today's totals were: 87 grams of protein, 67 grams of carbs, 13 grams of fat, 44 grams of sugar (really high, from the milk in the lattes), and 3 grams of fiber.

I never used to do any of this. I just used to eat. I didn't avoid carbs, or sugar, or consume protein first. I just ate. It impacts every single waking second of my day because I am constantly thinking about the logistics of eating. It's exhausting.

#30daysofme - #6

Day 6 was hard for me; I don't have a favourite superhero in the traditional sense, so at first I was really stumped to come up with an answer.



Then it hit me: Do mythological gods count as superheros? I vote yes.


When I was a little kid, we had this amazing illustrated book on Norse mythology. Odin. Loki. Freya. Thor. I learned about them before I learned about their Roman & Greek counterparts - and it's just so much more interesting then the same old Jupiter/Zeus/Hera/Juno dynamic found in the Mediterranean.


Nordic culture believed that the world was made up of nine worlds, all connected by an immense ash tree called the Yggdrasil. They built a bridge between Asgard and the Earth called Bifrost, and they ride it daily. It appears in our world as a rainbow. There are dragons, a giant wolf, and a female Hel.


Simply put, they are awesome bedtime stories.

#30daysofme - #5

A picture of somewhere you’ve been to:

The Globe Theatre in London, England.

First time travelling overseas solo. Got the money for the trip from an unexpected source before Reading Week in 2007 and within 2 days I was on a plane to London.

I'd never done anything like that before & I doubt I will ever be able to do it again. Literally, a once in a lifetime opportunity to just book a plane ticket and go.

I can't wait to go back with Keith and experience it with him.

#30daysofme - #4

A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Hands down, that would be smoking.

Blech.

#30daysofme - #3

You thought I abandoned this challenge 2 days in, didn't you?

Fear not. I only took the weekend off. Fooled ya!

Day 3 is a picture of you and your friends.

My computer is currently dead - and of course I don't have an external harddrive. So I just lost all my pictures, files, etc, from the last 2 and a half years. It's heartbreaking, in a first world problem kind of way. Truly.

I had to steal this from Shawn's facebook - taken in 2006. I'm 19, Tat is 20, and Shawn is 21.

Mostly I'm struck by how young we look. We're BABIES!

There are absolutely no words how much these two people mean to me. When I think of how long we've been friends - of how much we've gone through - both collectively and as individuals, it's just mind boggling.

Statistics would tell you that we probably shouldn't still be friends. I know I'm not friends with 98% of the people I met while being a homeless crackhead. And that's probably for the best, ya know?

But these two are unshakeable. We've overcome the odds - you know that once you're addicted to drugs, you have 3 options? Clean, jail, and dead. Life is kind of bleak until you're clean.

But we did it. We were high-school drop-outs, homeless, addicted to drugs, you name it, we were it. And now? Tat is currently finishing her practical nursing diploma with plans to continue next fall for her Bachelor of Nursing. She's also looking into joining the Armed Forces under their ROTP. She has an 8 year old daughter, with whom she shares custody with her father.

Shawn just finished his diploma in social service worker last spring, and has plans to continue with his Bachelor of Social Work at Carleton next fall.

We all left home prematurely - Tat because she was placed in a group home at the age of 15, Shawn because his mom rejected the fact that he's gay, and of course you know my story.

It's been a really long road with its share of potholes on our respective journeys to where we are today, but so far we're making it. I couldn't be prouder to call them my friends. So much love.

#30daysofme - #2

Day 2 is apparently imploring me to share the meaning behind my blog name.

I really wish I could say my blog name means something particularly witty.

It doesn't, by the way.

I suck at coming up with names and titles. I see all these cleverly worded blog titles and feel intense jealousy that they have such a cool name. Especially the infertility blogs? My god, those are some very nicely named blogs. Me = jealous.

Think of this way - those blogs are dressed in clothes that are designed by Coco Chanel, Christian Dior, Giorgio Armani.

Mine gets Sally Ann cast-offs, and if it's been really good, it might get the odd Old Navy piece. On sale.

Basically, it goes like this. I love the look of the word Simplicity. And I strive to live my life as drama free as possible, especially after the last few years, where drama was a daily occurrence.

It used to be "Her Simplicity" but when I started getting serious with Keith, I found myself blogging about both of our lives; it wasn't just about me anymore. It really was about Our Simplicity as a couple - plus, to be frank, his ex was reading. I got squicked out, so I had to facilitate a name change.

So that's the story. Doesn't mean the name still doesn't suck though.

#30daysofme - #1

I've decided to take part in #30daysofme, so for the next 30 days you'll learn more than you ever really wanted to know about yours truly. If you're wondering who you need to go wag a finger at, you totally have Kelly to blame for this.

Day one is a recent picture of yourself, followed by the statement of 15 "interesting" (I can only hope interesting is a subjective term) facts about yourself. Let the nazel-gazing begin, shall we?

1. Recent Picture:

me, taken 3 weeks ago @ 1 month out.

2. Fifteen "interesting" (or not so interesting) facts about myself:

1. Country is the only commercial genre of music I can listen to without wanting to rip my ears off after twenty minutes.

2. I can type up to over 80 wpm at 98% accuracy. I sporadically practice this skill.

3. I feel really sick right now & it's making it hard to concentrate.

4. I start school tomorrow! It seems kind of silly because I only have one class on Thursdays & then I'm off Fridays, so really, I start on Monday.

5. Fall is my favourite season. I wish it lasted longer.

6. I've been living in Ontario for 10 years. I've never lived anywhere longer.

7. I don't have many close friends but the ones I do have are like my family.

8. I'm pretty self-absorbed. NO REALLY?

9. A lot of the time I don't talk about subjects on my blog because I realize my views might be unpopular and/or everyone is entitled to their own opinion so what does it matter?

10. I will say this, though: people who bash the meat industry & the farmers involved - with no actual knowledge (thinking they know everything there is to know because they read a fucking book, for example) - well, those people piss me off. A LOT.

11. I get angry when I think about how (some) Americans are completely ignorant of our culture/holidays/whatever. And NO, we are NOT "a laid-back version of the US". We are something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

12. That Terry Jones guy is nuts. Can we arrange for him to be shipped off to Iraq? Please? Like, tomorrow? Just grab him, fly him over there, then drop him off and walk away. Please please please.

13. Apparently I'm also pretty angry and vindictive. Wow.

14. I'm a traditionalist in the sense that I need a wedding band on my finger before having kids. I don't know why this is.

15. Since losing 55 pounds I can now fold my belly in half. It's cool and gross at the same time.

New

Taken 5 weeks ago, pre-surgery.

Taken Friday, with glasses.

Taken Friday, without

(this is important because I'm thinking of getting contacts

this year. What do you think? Better with, or without?)

New tattoo! On my right wrist.

Got it last night. Isn't it purty?

Thoughts on guilt & milestones times two

Can I just say this summer has lasted forever? I wrote my final exams in April. I will be more than happy to go back to school come September, if for nothing else than to have something other to talk about than my weight.

Speaking of the subject: My weight starts with a new number now (that happened Tuesday). And today, I hit fifty pounds lost (fifty one, actually).

Fifty one pounds in a month. Fifty one pounds in a month. That's insane.

When I see that number, yes it's a great deal of weight to lose. For most people. For me? It's just one quarter of what I have to lose. I feel like I don't deserve it, because it's pretty easy at this point. I feel no temptation for junk or sweets. I don't have to "struggle" with food choices or portion sizes, because my pouch determines that for me.

I don't know what exactly my point is, or if I have one, it's just - I guess I'm used to feeling guilty. Guilty over being fat. Guilty over not being able to make good food choices; guilty for having to struggle all the time. Now I feel guilty because I don't have to do that anymore. I've internalized the mantra that weight loss is hard.

And while I will probably say it is at various points in this journey - right now, I want to remember that it wasn't, not especially. And that it's okay for it not to be.

Why we have (girl)friends

Me: "I tried sausage for breakfast the other day (even though I'm not supposed to) and oh man, it did not go well."

"Oh really? How bad?"

"I didn't even want to go shopping afterwards, thats how bad I felt."

"oh my god thats AWFUL!!"

This just in!

Even though I haven't lost any pounds since last time,

MY SIZE 21 JEANS FIT!!!

Excuse me while I dance my (much smaller) bootay around !! YIPPEEEE!!!

Tough week

Last week was a really tough one.

The scale is not moving. At all. It hasn't moved at all this week - in fact, right now it is taunting me with a two pound gain.

One night I had gas pain so severe I actually googled the symptoms of a bowel obstruction to check. I eat things too fast sometimes, and I get sick - nausea and my new stomach hurts. I haven't actually puked anything up yet but dry heaves are just as bad. The no-drinking rule (which came into effect this week) is a killer. I am so tired of tuna, and wish I could just bite into a big, juicy hamburger with fresh tomato and lettuce.

After years of not listening to my body and paying attention to what and when I eat, I have to take my time eating and pause between bites for the signals that I've had enough. I have to keep an eye on the time so I know when to eat and when to start and stop drinking. A lot of times I can't even finish what I started eating, and it is definitely a learning curve to leave food behind, to be okay with that. I can't just say "one more bite" - because that one more bite will make me sick.

I'm scared that my scale isn't right, and when I go to the doctors office on Wednesday I won't have lost what I think I have. I have my 3 week appointment down in Utica on Friday, and again, am so scared that the scale won't reflect what my scale at home does. I'm scared I'll just sit at this weight forever, even though I know, rationally, that's that's not possible. I am so fearful I won't lose all the weight I want/need to.

I'm still wearing the same clothes as I did before surgery - I tried on my size 21 jeans the other day and still couldn't do them up. That was discouraging, and just feeds the whole I'm-never-going-to-lose-again cycle of fears and anxiety.

I knew this wasn't going to be easy. I just didn't think it would be this hard.

reward

I really want this :

Sterling Silver Two for Pearl Necklace
(from sweetberrybird)

I have promised myself I'll buy it once I hit 50 pounds lost - and right now I only have 17 pounds to go.

Have been unsuccessful in my attempts to convince Keith, but he doesn't really need to know about it, does he?

I thought not.

BREAKING NEWS!

I'm off lovenox!!! No more shots in the belly! YAY!!

I'd like to thank the guy who made it all possible :

Thanks Mumbles! You were stellar! Definitely recommend you if I ever need to shoot myself up in the future!

x0x, smooch smooch.

1 week post-op

It's been a week since surgery. That went by super fast, holy shiz.

I've decided to officially record my weight every Tuesday and every Saturday for now. Tuesday is obvious but Saturday is when I change my post-op diet for the next 7 weeks.

This week I'm on full liquids. Water, Crystal Light, sugar free jello & popsicles, low sodium broth, etc. Also supposed to have 4oz of protein shake 3 times a day. The next three weeks are all about my pouch and intestines healing, so I'm to take small sips and take my time with everything. I'm not hungry, and I'm not full.

I try to get in 2000mL of liquid a day. It's super hard when you have to sip everything, but I'm trying.

I'm also on omeprazole, fragmin/lovenox (only for the next 2 days!), and 2 multi-vitamins daily. I chop those in half because, frig, they're huge. Omeprazole is a stomach acid reducer and lovenox is a daily injection blood thinner that Keith gets to inject in my belly while cackling evilly. Not fun!

And, according to today's weight, I am down a total of 26 pounds. Six of that was lost pre-op, but the rest? Yeah, that was lost this week. Boo-ya, baby. Let the crazy commence!

friday5.1

Figures.

The one fridayfive I remember on time & decide to do has to do with food....but I'm not even remotely hungry so this doesn't bother me at all.

1. Besides plain, what’s your favorite way to eat an apple?
with cheese. or in a pie. apple pie is my favourite dessert ev-ar.

2. Besides plain, what’s your favorite way to eat berries?
in yoghurt.

3. Besides plain, what’s your favorite way to eat a banana?
baked in a banana chocolate chip pancake or bread.

4. Besides plain, what’s your favorite way to eat a peach?
don't eat peaches.

5. Besides plain, what’s your favorite way to eat a pineapple?
fruit salad. or on a pizza.

other side

Well it looks like my communications manager totally failed on the blog front! Sorry about that.

I'm obviously okay. Surgery was 10:15 on Tuesday, took an hour an a half, and was in my room by 3.

Spent the first day more asleep than awake, as per expected. Was in lots of pain as well.

I'm back to "normal" now - dry heaved once, blood pressure normal, farting like crazy, tolerating all meds and sipping appropriately (1oz every 15 min), up walking, blah blah. Haven't taken anything for gas or pain since very early yesterday morning. Haven't needed to, thank god.

I expect to be discharged around noon tomorrow, and we've decided to stay an extra day and go back home on Saturday. I can't wait - I miss my house, my bed, my babies.

Surgery day!

I'm writing this as a scheduled post.

I have to be at the hospital today at 6:15 and my surgery will be any time between then and 10:15. I'll spend an hour or two in recovery and then be moved up to my room.

I'll have Keith update you throughout the day by updating this post so check back often.

Love you bunches,
x0x Sarah.

Improvement

Remember when I asked about redecorating help?

And then proceeded to show you these horrifying pictures of what exactly I needed redecorated?

I'm happy to report that both those areas now look like this:

Of course, Keith doesn't know I've packed away his precious army figurines yet ....

Whew!

I am VERY happy to report that the 3410$ OSAP debt has officially been fully paid off!!

What a relief!

My dad gave me 500$, mom gave me $800 and then lent me the remaining $2,000 (and I covered 110$ myself).

I will be in debt for the next year paying my mom back, and this means I most definitely have to get a job over the school year (something I had been hoping to avoid to focus solely on school), but I'm okay with that.

Things could be a lot worse - I could have not been able to go at all. Eeek!

Why WLS?

I'm 23. I've been this way for at least 10 years; nearly half my life. And lately all I seem to be doing is getting bigger.

I can't excerise because I can't breathe properly anymore. Climbing a flight of stairs is next to impossible & the words "brisk walk" send shivers down my spine. I'm sick of starving myself to lose a pound, only to gain it back the next second. The will power isn't there. I slip because I can. I sneak because I can. I need something where I can't slip, I can't cheat. I have to be true to myself.

I want kids. Someday. And I know I will never get the weight off long enough to get there. This is vanity, but I really don't want to be a fat bride. I don't want to hate the photos of what is supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I've noticed there are no pictures of me from the last 2 years - I don't want any pictures taken of me. I never look in a full length mirror. My body? What body? I can only look at myself from the shoulders up.

If I stay like this, I know my chances of getting a job once I graduate from University are pretty slim when I'm like this. I feel like everyone just looks at me and doesn't realize how great of a person I am because the fat is standing in the way. I feel judged when I eat in public. The list just goes on & on.

Not to mention - my MIL was a large woman. She passed away this past October from a heart attack. She was 64 - and I don't want that to happen to me, ever. I miss her a lot and I wonder now if it needed to happen - I doubt she knew OHIP would pay for WLS. I didn't know until this March, but I had been thinking of it for a couple of years; just knew it would be a really long time before I could afford it.

These are my reasons for doing this. Two weeks to go!

AwesomeSauce

Isn't this guy amazing??! He's competing this season on So You Think You Can Dance ... and guess what his style is?

He's a principal ballet dancer. For serious! And he just KILLS this routine. I can't stop watching!

This routine almost - but not quite - takes the top spot for my most favourite routine ever, which was on So You Think You Can Dance Canada last season - Tara-Jean (who ended up winning) and Everett's house routine.

143

Happy Canada Day!

Keith & I plan on doing a whole bunch of nothing.

What are your plans?

PS: Today also marks the 2 year anniversary of Keith & I living together. I think I got a keeper!