Monday, August 9, 2010

Tough week

Last week was a really tough one.

The scale is not moving. At all. It hasn't moved at all this week - in fact, right now it is taunting me with a two pound gain.

One night I had gas pain so severe I actually googled the symptoms of a bowel obstruction to check. I eat things too fast sometimes, and I get sick - nausea and my new stomach hurts. I haven't actually puked anything up yet but dry heaves are just as bad. The no-drinking rule (which came into effect this week) is a killer. I am so tired of tuna, and wish I could just bite into a big, juicy hamburger with fresh tomato and lettuce.

After years of not listening to my body and paying attention to what and when I eat, I have to take my time eating and pause between bites for the signals that I've had enough. I have to keep an eye on the time so I know when to eat and when to start and stop drinking. A lot of times I can't even finish what I started eating, and it is definitely a learning curve to leave food behind, to be okay with that. I can't just say "one more bite" - because that one more bite will make me sick.

I'm scared that my scale isn't right, and when I go to the doctors office on Wednesday I won't have lost what I think I have. I have my 3 week appointment down in Utica on Friday, and again, am so scared that the scale won't reflect what my scale at home does. I'm scared I'll just sit at this weight forever, even though I know, rationally, that's that's not possible. I am so fearful I won't lose all the weight I want/need to.

I'm still wearing the same clothes as I did before surgery - I tried on my size 21 jeans the other day and still couldn't do them up. That was discouraging, and just feeds the whole I'm-never-going-to-lose-again cycle of fears and anxiety.

I knew this wasn't going to be easy. I just didn't think it would be this hard.

1 comment:

Jess said...

Oof, this part is so tough. I know this probably won't help while you're in the middle of it all, but I think everyone goes through this post-surgery. Just try to remember that it's about the weight loss over time and you lost so much weight so quickly that now it's just balancing out a little bit, but overall you have still made great progress in a very short amount of time. And you will lose the rest of the weight, I swear!

Good luck at the appointment! I promise, it does get easier.