New

Taken 5 weeks ago, pre-surgery.

Taken Friday, with glasses.

Taken Friday, without

(this is important because I'm thinking of getting contacts

this year. What do you think? Better with, or without?)

New tattoo! On my right wrist.

Got it last night. Isn't it purty?

Thoughts on guilt & milestones times two

Can I just say this summer has lasted forever? I wrote my final exams in April. I will be more than happy to go back to school come September, if for nothing else than to have something other to talk about than my weight.

Speaking of the subject: My weight starts with a new number now (that happened Tuesday). And today, I hit fifty pounds lost (fifty one, actually).

Fifty one pounds in a month. Fifty one pounds in a month. That's insane.

When I see that number, yes it's a great deal of weight to lose. For most people. For me? It's just one quarter of what I have to lose. I feel like I don't deserve it, because it's pretty easy at this point. I feel no temptation for junk or sweets. I don't have to "struggle" with food choices or portion sizes, because my pouch determines that for me.

I don't know what exactly my point is, or if I have one, it's just - I guess I'm used to feeling guilty. Guilty over being fat. Guilty over not being able to make good food choices; guilty for having to struggle all the time. Now I feel guilty because I don't have to do that anymore. I've internalized the mantra that weight loss is hard.

And while I will probably say it is at various points in this journey - right now, I want to remember that it wasn't, not especially. And that it's okay for it not to be.

Why we have (girl)friends

Me: "I tried sausage for breakfast the other day (even though I'm not supposed to) and oh man, it did not go well."

"Oh really? How bad?"

"I didn't even want to go shopping afterwards, thats how bad I felt."

"oh my god thats AWFUL!!"

This just in!

Even though I haven't lost any pounds since last time,

MY SIZE 21 JEANS FIT!!!

Excuse me while I dance my (much smaller) bootay around !! YIPPEEEE!!!

Tough week

Last week was a really tough one.

The scale is not moving. At all. It hasn't moved at all this week - in fact, right now it is taunting me with a two pound gain.

One night I had gas pain so severe I actually googled the symptoms of a bowel obstruction to check. I eat things too fast sometimes, and I get sick - nausea and my new stomach hurts. I haven't actually puked anything up yet but dry heaves are just as bad. The no-drinking rule (which came into effect this week) is a killer. I am so tired of tuna, and wish I could just bite into a big, juicy hamburger with fresh tomato and lettuce.

After years of not listening to my body and paying attention to what and when I eat, I have to take my time eating and pause between bites for the signals that I've had enough. I have to keep an eye on the time so I know when to eat and when to start and stop drinking. A lot of times I can't even finish what I started eating, and it is definitely a learning curve to leave food behind, to be okay with that. I can't just say "one more bite" - because that one more bite will make me sick.

I'm scared that my scale isn't right, and when I go to the doctors office on Wednesday I won't have lost what I think I have. I have my 3 week appointment down in Utica on Friday, and again, am so scared that the scale won't reflect what my scale at home does. I'm scared I'll just sit at this weight forever, even though I know, rationally, that's that's not possible. I am so fearful I won't lose all the weight I want/need to.

I'm still wearing the same clothes as I did before surgery - I tried on my size 21 jeans the other day and still couldn't do them up. That was discouraging, and just feeds the whole I'm-never-going-to-lose-again cycle of fears and anxiety.

I knew this wasn't going to be easy. I just didn't think it would be this hard.

reward

I really want this :

Sterling Silver Two for Pearl Necklace
(from sweetberrybird)

I have promised myself I'll buy it once I hit 50 pounds lost - and right now I only have 17 pounds to go.

Have been unsuccessful in my attempts to convince Keith, but he doesn't really need to know about it, does he?

I thought not.