Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Problems (Part II)

I really wish I knew the reason of why I feel so pukey all the time. You know the feeling of "Omg I'm going to puke" and then you don't? But you keep feeling like you are? Yeah. That's what I'm feeling nearly all the time for the last week. It's getting to the point where I just wish I would puke already! and get it over with. It's basically a really gross taste in my mouth of whatever it was that was last in there, plus just feeling yucky and nauseated. This morning on the bus it was Shreddies and toothpaste, right now its bread and egg salad. It's been going on for a couple of days now. It's really annoying!!! I don't like feeling nauseated 24/7, that's for sure.

So. Found out today that Department Head will not/is not writing me a letter. However, he said to check with Financial Aid for other funding options and with CSD if they would give support/accomodations which would change his opinion. Checked with Fin Aid; no (other) options. And the reason I wasn't successful last term wasn't because CSD had no supports/accomodations in place for me so that's a dead end as well....my only hope right now seems to be a letter from my Dr. who saw me for depression/ADD, but even my CSD counsellor says (and I agree) it's a very, very long shot.

But - getting honest here - I'm really done with this whole debacle. Fustrated beyond belief. I'm so ready to just throw in the towel, apply for welfare, and start job-hunting. I've already shed a few tears twice today over it; I don't like the feeling of failure but I'm kind of backed into a corner (whether self-inflicted or not isn't the point here). The bottom line is a simple equation -
Money=School ........ No Money=No school ........and when there's no other way of getting it other than this guy writing you a letter, and he's not writing you one.....


But Keith would be really disappointed in me if I didn't 'fight'. If I just gave up. He's already expressed that sentiment, so I have to balance whats really realistic (I can't sit around waiting anymore for what may or may not happen with absolutely no income) with the risk of really disappointing him.


Is he going to cover all of July's rent when I can't? Is he going to pay off my (very overdue) Rogers bill? My credit card? Buy my bus tickets/bus passes so I can get to school? All of the food for the month? Molly's stuff? Is he really ready and willing to be the sole provider - because, make no mistake, that's what he will be while I'm waiting to hear back from Administration about this whole mess.

So. Should I drop out of school now? Or what? Wait? How long? Another month? I'm not sure I can afford to do that. And if I'm waiting for another month then I pass the "Drop-Out" date - where on your record it says "W" for Withdrawn instead of "F" for Fail (F's are terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, while "W's are acceptable).

I think Keith and I are due for a long serious talk about this...that's the only conclusion I can come up with right now. I just hope he realizes how fustrated and worried (okay, panicked) I am about it rather than seeing it as me taking the "easy way" out.


Kelly said...

Looks like you have some big scary life changing decisions on your plate at the moment. Whatever you do, make sure it is the right thing for YOU and helps your health and happiness. Being miserable sucks.

I hope things work themselves out well for you m'dear *hugs* You know where I am if you need me.

Anonymous said...

In NZ you can get a benefit from the govt to study if you have no money but you have to pass half your course each year. Even if you dont, you can student loan the course costs and also living expenses up to $150 a week which you then pay back at 10% of your weekly wage once you begin to work. There isnt a system like that you can try? There has to be a way!

I think you do need to think about your sanity too though. If you could work and save for a year and then go back, would you be re-elligable (is that even a word?) for financial aid? If it would and it would save your sanity then it cant be a bad thing. I'm taking the second half of this year off study, I came to realise there is a limit to what you can handle day to day stress wise, and I think the day to day stress is worse than the odd bout of really bad stress coz it wears you down. Do what is best for you mentally and emotionally and if your man loves you as much as I think he does, he will understand if you take a small break.