Wednesday, September 24, 2008

'she doesn't want me'

mom e-mailed me to say she's not sure i should come home for thanksgiving. i'm pretty upset.

i don't take rejection well. i especially don't take rejection well from someone who is (supposed) to love you unconditionally. from someone whom i seek approval in everything i do.

but this is mom; we've been fighting (again).

the question becomes, then, how tired i am of it. and if its really worth it. before; i would have told you of course it is, it always is.

now. i'm not so sure. i'm getting tired of waiting. waiting for it to be enough. for me to be enough. and i'm truly questioning if it will ever happen.

i need my mother to love me, to show that she does. not the person i was or could be, but me.

the first thing i said to keith in barely a whisper, after i read the email (tears starting to stream down my face) was 'she doesn't want me'.

and for me, it really does feel that way. for a child to think that of her mother should never happen. but it did, it does. these days, it seems like it always does.

7 comments:

Kamie said...

:(

Britt said...

I often have a strained relationship with my mom (it's either excellent or horrible) so I feel that pain. You have to know you're just the way you should be and you're ok with or without her approval. (easier said than done!) Have your own thanksgiving! Make your own turkey! :)

Heather said...

It's thanksgiving! She should be proud of you for the changes you've made towards a better future, she should be grateful that even though she gives you enough shit to fertalise a nation, you still love her so much. She should be happy you're at a place where you CAN come home and you WANT to come home coz there will be so many years when you cant (young children on a bus-I dont think so). I think maybe you should email her and say it means a lot to you to come home for it, but if she replies she still doesnt think you should, then maybe you should see who will be around and have an awesome thanks giving with your man, his family and some of your friends. The people who see you daily and really love you for who you are, and you can be thankful they want their day spent with you.

*hugs for Sarah*

P.S. Please excuse shoddy punctuation, I have the baby here and dont have time to fix it!

Ammietia said...

Hugs for you. My dad and I can't stand each other, its a well known fact. Still, when he's disappointed in me, it hurts. When I realize he would love it if I was just gone, it hurts more. My mom and I are on okay ground, but once my dad tells her lies of what I've done, she says things along the lines of her not wanting me, and me being a mistake. So I know how it feels. So you get a lot of hugs and I hope you feel better.

Mandy said...

I am sorry, that is hard. There comes a point where you recognize that your life is your own, not anyone elses. If your mom doesnt approve of things and choses not to see you because of it, its incredibly sad, but its her choice. As long as you are happy with who you are, that is the most important thing!

Nilsa S. said...

Wow. That's really tough. Don't try to change how you feel or feel ashamed about your feelings. Does your mom know you feel this way? Maybe she should read the words of this post to know the effect her words have on those around her.

Chelle said...

Dang, that blows. I'm sorry your mom had such a mean moment. I would ask if you wanted to trade for my mother-in-law, but NOBODY deserves that kind of "love." I hope you feel better. :(

BIG HUG!