Thursday, March 20, 2008


I like making lists. Lots and lots of lists for any series of tasks (*ahem ahem cleaning*) I might have to do. I like to accomplish those tasks on the list, see them getting crossed out one by one (strikeout is my favourite font emphasis thingy).

I also like to plan. I like to get things all lined up in a row; fulfill various aspects of the event. And the more things on the go, the better. I get such a feeling of accomplishment when each thing is achieved, piece by piece, and there's really no greater feeling (for me, at least) than when it all comes together and goes exactly how I wanted it to.

I'm naturally - and I know this might come as a shock to some of you - a go-getter. Granted, these last few years I haven't quite been up to form, but suffering from undiagnosed chronic depression tends to do that to a person. I always have a plan for when things are rough, I access my resources when faced with a problem, and I never stop working until my goal is achieved.

Problem was, these last few years - I wasn't interested. I wasn't motivated to do anything. It had all become a big long horrible drag that required a Herculean effort on my part to even accomplish one fifth of what I knew I was normally capable of. So, I just didn't. I avoided the world by sleeping excessively. I shut out friends, family; I was often irrationally angry and defensive about nothing at all.

I saw life as one big gray oppressive tunnel, with no end in sight. Every single day was a drag; I wasn't sucidial, but life had lost all joy, all light.

But with this medication I'm on now I can feel myself ever so slowly become interested in all the mundane tasks of life again; I can feel that old feeling of accomplishment coming back. And, best of all, I'm motivated to get things accomplished.

And that, my dears, is the best feeling of all.

No comments: