Wednesday, August 6, 2008


I think often of what a mess I made of my first attempt at post-secondary schooling. I've moved past the guilt, shame and overall disappointment (for the most part, anyway), and now I sit here wondering if I've closed more doors than I realize.

I want to go back and finish my program. I have 13 credits left to get, and I can re-apply for more OSAP after a year. But will they let me back in full-time? Or am I forced to go back part-time and pay for it out of my own pocket, credit by credit? That would take forever!

After that, who knows? I've always wanted to study History, maybe obtain an undergrad degree in it. The program at Carleton seems solid enough. The original plan was to use my LawClerk diploma to bring home a paycheque while pursuing undergrad studies and then onto Law School, ultimately becoming a lawyer. While I don't think I'll make it quite that far anymore, I would still like to keep furthering my education to the utmost.

One of the constant things I wonder is how do people do it? How do they pay for a wedding, start their families, buy a house, and are still in school? How do they afford to do that? Is the secret to get that all-important first degree/diploma? And then I worry that I will never get that piece of paper, and I'm doomed to working menial jobs and thinking 12$ an hour is decent pay. I worry about that alot, actually.

With everything I've been through I often feel older than my chronological age, and its as if I have this big thing looming over me, urging me to get a move on, to get an education and start climbing at a career while I'm still young (some would call that my mother, haha). But then I snap back and realize I'M ONLY TWENTY ONE. Barely out of teen-hood, just a baby still.

I guess what's scaring me now is not the fact that I failed. I can handle that. It's the fact that I can't see a way to make this better, to re-group and re-try, to move forward. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how to even start.


Kamie said...

Loans, loans, and more loans. :P I finally got my loans paid off last year. Now we get to start paying Dustyn's. Sad thing - I don't even use my degree. But I hope to someday.

You have in no way failed. If you want to finish school, you can find ways to make it happen. And you are still young and have plenty of time to make it happen. Of course that doesn't mean it will be easy. :) But I know you can do it! You are a smarty pants! And you have Keith to support you and help you along the way. Don't give up on your dreams just because you want to get married and start a family. Those are just little bumps in the road that make it much more enjoyable! I know you can do whatever you set your mind to! Follow your dreams!

(hopefully not too sappy for you! :)

Heather said...

I think that though your schooling time was more settled for you housing wise etc, it was still a massive change to the previous two years and trying to get your brain around all the changes while studying is difficult!

My thoughts (but not bossy advice, just in case my tone comes across wrong lol): I think when you're settled in your new home, write to the head of the school you used to attend and ask if you can do one class/credit, just to prove to them you are capable and are in a better mind space and ask that if you complete that with a good pass, you be re-admitted for a full time year. Meantime while you do that one credit, you'll be a good chunk of the way through your year and funding might be available for your full time year. You're smart. You've got a supportive boyfriend (who can walk dogs and cook meals for you when assignments need doing lol) and your whole life is in front of you. It's up to you to decide what you make of it. If this is what you want, put your mind to it and do it!

I know you dont like comparisons but I have done exactly what you have done and I'm doing the one paper at a time scenario. It's better from a stress perspective to do it part time...but I'd be done by now if I could do it full time and that thought always annoys me!

Neurotic Grad Student said...

People who are still in school, have houses, cars, and dogs, whatever, are in a tremendous amount of debt.

I know that people look at me and my husband (we're both finishing our graduate degrees) living in a small apartment in our late twenties and ask why we don't have more. We don't live beyond our means, that's how. And it should be commended. You should be commended.

Those people worry about money, too. You're not alone.

It's not like you're far behind at all. You're young and you're smart and you'll make this work.

(Sorry for the long comment from someone you don't know. But you can get through all this career stress!)

Kelly said...

Hey sweets,

(it appears my original comment didn't load after all - stupid dial up speeds!)

Given your circumstances while studying I think you did an amazing job to hold it all together. Don't be so hard on yourself and celebrate what you have achieved so far! Study will always be there for you to go back to when you are in a happy and healthy place to do so. Don't stress about it luv, when the time is right, it will come.